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Home > Culture and Society

No Dogs, No Blacks, No Gingers

Paul Carr

6 December 2002

Being a racist is no fun anymore. Remember the golden era of bigotry when we could laugh at Leonard Rossiter's ethnically intolerant outbursts on Rising Damp without having to convince ourselves in our own heads that we were actually laughing *at* him? Remember the Ku Klux Clan? Remember lynching? What ever *did* happen to lynching?

Sadly that's the way of the world - people are fickle, fashions change and one man's harmless joke soon becomes another man's -ism. Like religious persecution before it, racism has become socially unacceptable and it's high time we replaced it with something new, lest we start having to judge people purely on the strength of their personality. And where's the fun in that?

But what could possibly replace race hate in our affections? What's something equally ridiculous but a bit more socially acceptable? Hmmm.. how about taking the piss out of people because of the colour of their hair? Brilliant! Ginger can be the new black.

Actually it's started already - just look at Dermot O'Leary - aka son of Rigsby - and his hilarious 'ginger watch' on Big Brother's Little Brother. Superb. And that nPower advert with the all-ginger family. A work of genius. (Although, of course, in Rigsby Senior's day the advert would have featured a black baby and his white parents - the unfortunate victims of an IVF blunder - with the tagline: 'there are some things in life you can't choose..').

In fact, the only thing stopping Gingers (pronounced, incidentally, to rhyme with 'singers') from being proper hate figures is the absence of a pressure group to defend them. Established minorities have loads of them - black and Asian people have the C.R.E, Jews have the A.D.L (and, of course, the Bilderbergs) and gay people have Stonewall - but the trouble with Gingers is that they flatly refuse to see themselves as victims. It just won't do. After all, if they don't fight back, there's no fun in hurling abuse at them.

So here, to help them on their way to becoming a bone fide persecuted minority, are a few ways that Gingers might get off their lazy, auburn arses and start showing some resitance...

The Anti Ginger Defamation League

Modelled on the ultra-reactionary American Jewish organisation of a similar name, the GBD would issue a stern rebuke every time a Ginger is mentioned in the press in anything less than a flattering light. For example; a supermarket refuses to stock Simply Red albums? The League demands a total boycott and lobbies the government to have the board of directors charged for hate crimes. The government, realising the strength of the Ginger vote, agrees without question.


Everyone - except Mastercard apparently - realises that the MOBOs have had their day. Having an award ceremony to celebrate the role of black people in British music is as ridiculous as having the 'American Presidents of White Origin' awards and probably twice as insulting. The time has come instead to recognise the major contribution that people of *hair* colour have made on the music industry. To this end, the Music of Ginger Origin awards (presented by Mark Curry) would celebrate the whole Ginger music spectrum - from Tori Amos and Lulu to Geri Halliwell and Sarah McLachlan - with awards also given to non-Ginger bands who have nonetheless created music that appeals to a largely Ginger audience. Like The Proclaimers.

Ginger Pride

It's a sad fact that, rather than being proud of their unique genetic mutation, even high profile Gingers like Tim Big Brother are forced to remain in the closet through fear of how their friends and families will react to the truth. An annual Ginger Pride march would allow people like Tim to stand up and be counted while at the same time creating a sprawling sea of red that, when viewed from above, could be fashioned, Art Attack-style, into a huge fire engine.

The Gingalympics

The name says it all. The Gingerbread Man ran, ran as fast as he could and no one could catch him. Now its time for other red-heads to take up the torch and stop Paul Scholes and Chris Waddle from hogging all the Ginger sport limelight. A Ginger section in the London Marathon wouldn't go amiss either.

So there you go, Gingers, it's up to you now. Stand up and be persecuted!

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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