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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF: Christmas Quirkies

13 December 2002

They're already in full swing. Everywhere you look, a glut of Xmas-related cack. The ads, the songs, the girls playing the God-boy to record-breaking audiences, the rapists dressing as Santa. Ho ho ho. However much you might want it to, our grubby little Christmas, devoid of all but tinsel-pube of sincerity or significance, will not go away. Instead, like a saccharine-tipped poisonous pummelling-rod, it will permeate and pollute every last synapse of our consumer-consciousness till Boxing Day, when, as we all know, the Lord Christ was taken off the cross and put in a box.

And the best of the festive quirkies so far has to be the one about the Reverend Lee Rayfield, sermonising stand-up at St.Mary's in Maidenhead. Stupidly neglecting to remember that Christians have no sense of humour whatsoever, Rayfield decided to open with a few gags. "And yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's true, you can read the most amazing things on the Internet these days". A number of the congregation blanch at the very word. Why is the reverend talking about porn? But no. It's worse than porn. "I found a website based on something called 'science'. It seems that Santa Claus does not exist".

There is a collective gasp which he interprets as a surprised half-chortle and he somehow fails to register that the faces of the boys and girls in the audience, and there are many, have been transformed into terror-stricken pools of irredeemable loss. He continues. "No, no, I'm afraid there is no Santa. The scientists have proved it." Children begin to weep uncontrollably. "If he were real, Santa would have to deliver 378 million presents to 91.8 million homes in 31 hours. Couldn't do it. The reindeer would have to travel 3,000 times the speed of sound. Why, the reindeer would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second and Santa would be killed by 4,315,000 pounds worth of force".

If the outspoken cleric is allowed to continue his ministry, next week's sermon, 'Resurrection My Arse!' promises to be even better. No, sadly, not true. In actual fact, Rayfield is genuinely penitent. He has already written a letter of apology to the parents of the children whose childhoods he has destroyed. "It was all a bad joke", the McReverend insists. "I was ridiculing the witchcraft of science. Of course Santa exists".

Of course he fucking exists, Reverend. He's in the news, on the telly, beer-breathed in Debenhams with our children on his knee. He's fucking everywhere. Which is more than we can for this Jesus geezer. Who's birthday is it, for Potter's sake? That's bad marketing, that is. See to it at once.

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