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Home > Culture and Society

Here, kitty kitty kitty...

William Seed had taken sides. He had decided to fight alongside the birds in their universal and unending battle against cats. And William wasn't fighting those cats bare-handed. No sir - he had a hammer...

5 October 2003

An old man this week admitted that he had killed maybe as many as ten cats over the last three years. The man's name is William Seed. Such a sweet name. You can't really imagine a seventy-year-old man with a name as sweet as William Seed killing cats. He should be leaning on a rake, mopping his brow with an ancient hanky and waving at the schoolchildren as they race home from school. But there you go. He admitted it.

Seed's technique was simple, if unnecessarily brutal. First he would trap the cats, then smash them over the head with a hammer, but not hard enough to kill them. He would then drown them in a dustbin he kept filled with water, at the ready. And now that one begins to understand what kind of demon this Seed character is, one can well imagine him holding the cat underwater for short periods, drawing out the death for his own pernicious pleasure.

Seed's only reason for killing cats was that they insisted on killing birds in his garden. So in a way they were revenge killings. Those cruel and senseless cat deaths were cruel and senseless bird deaths avenged. Avenged by a man named Seed. Even more coincidentally, the Judge who handed down Seed's sentence was the magistrate Geoffrey Nip. Amazing. How the clerk of the courts must have chuckled over his sandwiches that night.

Outside Blackburn Magistrates Court, old man Seed said that as a result of his noble mission of vengeance, he had received hate mail and threatening phone calls. 'We have had three windows broken and everyone runs past shouting 'cat killer' or meowing', he said. The ones that meow are just plain sick.

More Cat Killing:


Also, in case you feel in the mood:

How To Kill Your Girlfriend's Cat

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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