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Home > Culture and Society

TFT's 11-step, fun, anti crime blueprint

Crime. There are no easy answers. Or are there?


17 October 2003

1) Dope hysteria to be reduced by National Dope Day. Everyone in Britain is required by law to get stoned, resulting in a collective cry of "Is this what all the fuss is about?"

2) The Running Man to be used a template for all youth prisons. Since the average teenage hard nut isn't that fazed by a cursory two-week sentence in a young offenders institute, why not at least let the public recoup some entertainment value from the vast expense of dealing with the little twats? This week: joyriders from Bracknell get chased by a bloke on a motorbike with a chainsaw and a flamethrower. And some sort of 'ice gun'.

3) Anyone equating criminality with race should be forced to spend two weeks taking part in a depressing round of petty yobbery, mugging and car theft with pale-faced teenage criminals from Glasgow.

4) Anyone who invokes the phrase 'human rights' (as in 'we don't have the right to hang them/ flog them/ cut off their noses') should be locked in a cell with a ream of paper and some biros and forced to define 'human rights' to the satisfaction of a particularly pedantic philosophy professor. Or until they've realised that 'rights' are rather subjective concept.

5) Punishments made to fit crime. Thus mobile phone thieves will be locked in a cell for three weeks during which they will be forced to listen to an unending, tinny version of 'Who Let the Dogs Out'. Persistent offenders will be fitted with a tiny speaker in their brain that plays the standard Nokia ring tone whenever they approach a mobile phone.

6) GCSEs, A-Levels and Joni Mitchell to be made illegal. Thus conformity becomes rebellion and vice versa for would-be teenage criminals, eg. "Don't mess, man. I can do quadratic equations". "Shit. Respect".

7) Government ministers made to live in crime blackspots. Perhaps they might actually do something once John Prescott fails to turn up to yet another cabinet meeting because his two Jags are burnt out hulks somewhere on an estate. NB. This policy to be coupled with...

8) Efficacy of traditional liberal crime solutions to be studied with 'hands on' research. In other words, anyone who thinks 'more youth clubs and training' is a complete answer to the question 'How do we reduce crime?' shall take under their wing a bloody minded petty criminal who couldn't keep out of trouble if you left them chained to a boulder on the moon.

9) Daily Mail readers set to work on devising a scientific test for 'evil' in people. A wholly pointless exercise, but at least it will keep them busy instead of banging on about hanging.

10) Violent offenders to be given genuine chance of making a new start in life with places at Italia Conte stage school. Probably of little practical benefit except to make Eastenders villains more convincing than Phil Mitchell, who exudes all the menace of an irritable potato.

11) Wannabe teenage gangstas to be forced at gunpoint to acknowledge the vast discrepancy between stealing sweets from local corner shops and the lifestyle depicted in Brian De Palma's version of Scarface.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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