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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF: Pleasure Deficiency Syndrome

Go on. Have a glass. You know you want to.

6 November 2003

This week saw the release of a significant new psychological study into the habits and lifestyles of we Britons. A survey of more than 2000 people - thatís two thousand - showed conclusively that we are not drinking enough Baileys. However, rather than just coming out and saying 'drink more Baileys', Baileys hired YouGov, 'the UKís most accurate pollster', who have dressed it all up as social science, couching it in what they consider to be socially significant language.

And guess what they found: they found that we, as a nation, we are definitely not drinking enough Baileys. More generally, we're simply not indulging ourselves enough. They found that a whopping 92% of us are so suffocated by guilt and puritanical self- discipline that we wonít allow ourselves any kind of daily treat. More shocking still, a gargantuan 88% of us wonít even treat ourselves on our birthdays. What the hell is wrong with us? Clearly, we are all living in denial.

Pop psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos, who is happy to whore herself for whatever will bring in a bit of cash - Big Brother, the Woolwich, Cosmo - has invented something called Pleasure Deficiency Syndrome. PDS is said to be characterised by tiredness, boredom with work and lethargy. 'There is evidence that people are malfunctioning because they are not enjoying enough pleasure on a regular basis to be healthy happy people,' she cooed, whilst simultaneously rubbing iced Baileys into her telegenic nipples. Oh, yeah, and also something about friendships growing stronger. Yeah yeah yeah. Baileys-shilling whore.

So yeah, if you want to feel less lethargic, happier and generally enjoy life more, you must drink Baileys. Drink it till you're sick, then drink some more. Only when that sweet sickly liquid is dripping out of your nose and your anus simultaneously will you truly be happy. And while you're at it, why not have a cigarette? We know you're trying to give up, but Linda Papadopoulos says itís good to treat yourself once in a while. Go on. You can trust her.

Sheís a doctor.

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