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Home > Culture and Society

For the man who has everything: Tongue Insurance

A very annoying man does a very annoying thing.


29 November 2003

This week a celebrity chef had his tongue insured for half a million pounds. If you haven't heard the story already, the chances are your mindís eye is currently retching as that mockney fat-tongued fuckwit, Jamie Oliver, dribbles before it. It's like hearing that 'a Spice Girl' has been spotted wandering around Soho wearing only a nappy, or hearing that 'a Royal' has had his manservant's rectum preserved in formaldehyde. You naturally jump to certain conclusions. Well, you're wrong. The celebrity chef in question in none other than Antony Worrall Thompson!

That's right - that pompous effeminate Fig and Ginger chutney muncher, that stuttering open wound of a man, the one with his face on all those costly junk food packets. Does he stutter? He would if you stuffed a loaded gun in his mouth. And his reason for insuring his tongue for half a million pounds? Well, it seems it's a subtle blend of blind greed, massive egotism and good practical financial planning. His justification? "You can get mouth cancer, for instance, which would completely destroy my career. Although it would stop me talking, it would also stop me tasting as well." Fool. The insurance company are going to be praying that he gets stomach cancer now, or prostate cancer.

"Let's see him hang on to his career whilst simultaneously vomiting up the decaying remnants of his own fat stomach," they cry, blowing smoke into their freshly-prepared gingerbread voodoo men. But that's insurance people for you. they're a heartless bunch. Still, Worral's security tactics are odd. It does seem a
bit of a pointless lottery. He's insured his tongue and his fingers. What if he gets cancer of the lips? That would be dreadfully unlucky. So near and yet so far. Close, but no more cigars. Anyway, we wish him all the best with all his future tumours. Let's hope they turn out to be nice little earners.

Another Food-Related Site: www.mukiskitchen.com/free4.html

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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