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Home > Culture and Society

The tide (of violence) is high

23 January 2004

New figures show that violent crime is on the increase. So what can we do to protect ourselves from this rising tide of thuggery?

1) Avoid places that are known for their high levels of street crime.

Like streets.

2) Know the warning signs. If you're out drinking and you see someone looking at you, they may be contemplating violent assault against you or your partner. The Home Office advises that in this situation you should defuse the situation by loudly asking 'Are you looking at me?' (although 'Are you looking at my bird's tits?' will suffice). If the person in question reacts in a surprised or intimidated way, this is almost certainly because they wish to lull you into a false sense of security. At this point it is best to react pre-emptively and smash a glass in their face, thus protecting you and your loved ones.

3) Minimise the risk of being injured in street violence by not going out with large groups of young men. Instead go out with large groups of young women. They tend to scratch if provoked, but on the plus side they generally talk less about sport (a tremendous boon) and, being the gentle creatures that they are, very few can take more than a few punches to the face without crying.

4) Learn martial arts. Learning to tumble properly can minimise the damage when you're decked by a six-foot thug who doesn't know martial arts but is much, much bigger than you.

5) Remember - there is more IMAGINED crime than ACTUAL crime. Unfortunately, IMAGINED crime only causes IMAGINARY injuries, while ACTUAL crime means you get your head kicked in.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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