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Home > Culture and Society

A Better Future

by James Lark

3 February 2004

David Blunkett has quite brilliantly announced that his new way of dealing with terrorism will be “to intervene before the act is committed, rather than do so by due process after the act is committed when it's too late.” This will no doubt be a relief to everyone – by pre-emptively arresting terrorists before they actually become terrorists, it is clear that Mr Blunkett will rid our country of terrorism. It’s that simple.

It was distressing, therefore, to hear Louise Christian criticising his plans on the Today programme. In suggesting that Mr Blunkett is “unfit to be home secretary,” the woman essentially demonstrated that she herself is a terrorist. Of course there’s no actual proof of that, but under Blunkett’s new system there’s no need to prove anything, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see her arrested and locked up later this week.

It is being argued that locking people up just because there is a possibility that they might be terrorists would be like – I dunno, attacking a country just because there’s a possibility that they might have weapons of mass destruction. Don’t people understand? David Blunkett’s plans will enable him to rid the county of all terrorists, just as Tony Blair and George W. Bush have rid the world of autocratic warmongers.

I, for one, look forward to seeing how Blunkett’s policy will be put into practise. A number of possibilities suggest themselves:

1. There were 199 recorded incidents of terrorism in 2002. The number of potential terrorists in England is thought to be less than 1 in 1000 people, so if (just to be on the safe side) David Blunkett locks up 199,000 people at random each year, statistically he has destroyed all possibility of terrorism. Especially if his random selection is picked largely from the Muslim community.

2. A questionnaire could be sent to everybody in the county, the questions being “Are you a terrorist?” and “Are you a Muslim?” Anybody answering “Yes” to one or more of the questions would be locked up.

3. A crack squad of policemen equipped with rocket packs and led by Tom Cruise could use state-of-the-art computer equipment to predict when a terrorist incident was about to take place, enabling them to fly in and arrest the Muslims before anything happened.

4. Containment camps could be set up, in which potential terrorists would be humiliated and degraded before eventually being gassed, along with Jews, blacks, homosexuals and Michael Howard.

No doubt cynics will continue to suggest that Blunkett’s new system runs the risk of discriminating against minorities and making large numbers of unlawful arrests. But it is worth bearing in mind that many of those cynics are probably terrorists themselves, and I would suggest that Blunkett’s best option is to have them all arrested. As a white, middle-class Anglican I wholeheartedly support Blunkett’s plans and look forward to seeing a safer, emptier England in future.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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