- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Culture and Society

Throwing the Jowell in

5 March 2004

Our children are obese and health organisations have, as usual, jumped to all the wrong conclusions and laid the blame on completely the wrong people - they who advertise fatty foods.

Thank goodness, then, that Tessa Jowell has the common sense to stand up for the advertisers - for as they themselves have pointed out, there is no actual evidence that adverts have any effect on children anyway. No doubt they are generously giving up their time and money simply to ensure that children are entertained in the gaps between boring old cartoons.

In view of this, Tessa Jowell's plans to get advertisers to help by encouraging them to 'use their creative genius to promote healthy eating and exercise instead' seem quite reasonable.

Advertisers are just ordinary, well-intentioned people - once they have been alerted to the evils of fatty foods and sweets they will surely rally alongside health organisations to get the message out to children.

So we can probably expect the following developments over the next few months:

- Chocolate bar slogans will be rewritten to highlight the negative effects of eating them, for example 'a Mars a day makes you fat and ugly', or 'Lion - it's a bastard of a bar', or 'it's the air in the Aero that gives you wind and blocks your capillaries'.

- Instead of using Gary Lineker to give them a misleadingly sporty image, Walkers Crisps adverts will now feature Ricky Tomlinson and John Prescott.

- The names of chocolate bars will be changed to give more a accurate suggestion of their content; Rolos will become 'Cholesterolos', Kit Kat will become 'Kit Kalorie', and Cadbury's Mini Eggs will become 'Phenylethylamini Eggs'.

- The thin, anaemic-looking Milky Bar Kid will be replaced by a hideously fat boy with no friends; when he shouts 'Milky Bars are on me!' all the other children will kick him until he's sick.

- All packaging for fatty foods will carry health warnings, similar to those now found on cigarette packets, along the lines of 'chocolate increases the risk of heart disease', 'cake causes infertility and testicular cancer' and 'these crisps will kill you and your babies'.

- Children who eat too many sweets will be assumed to be potential terrorists and locked in concentration camps by David Blunkett.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved