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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... The Modern Family

Theologian Jane Williams, the wife of the Archbishop of Canterbury, this week suggested that the traditional model of the nuclear family might be outdated. She said many children were growing up with 'no models at all of lasting, committed relationships', and that the church needs to do more in creating 'wider sets of social relationships' for non-conventional families. So what can we expect in the future?

14 May 2004

1) Children to be coached by 'respected' community figures, eg. the local crack cocaine crimelord.

2) Traditional family-centric phrases to be updated. 'Wait 'til your father gets home' to be replaced with 'Wait 'til your network of non-gender-specific community support gets home.' 'Bob's your uncle' to be replaced with 'Bob's the brother of your latest common-law stepfather or stepmother'. 'Lads and dads' football' to be replaced with 'Lads and What's-a-Dad? football.'

3) Church of England to help with traditional parental responsibilities. Using His omnipotent powers, God will make mummy and daddy stop arguing.

4) 'Non-traditional child-rearing czars' to be appointed: Pol Pot, Reverend Moon and David Koresh.

5) Unrealistically high expectations of family life to be lowered by introducing a new plotline in My Family. Ben (Robert Lindsay) is revealed to be a paedophile whose crimes against his own children have been covered up by Susan (Zoe Wanamaker) but are exposed when his son Nick (Kris Marshall) breaks down in police custody after being arrested for attempting to abduct a schoolboy. (Episode later voted 'funniest yet' by TV viewers.)



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