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Home > Culture and Society

Anal sex: doesn't always sit comfortably with loving relationships

30 April 2004

You think you've got problems? Take a peek into the private world of one unfortunate woman who wrote in this week to The Observer's Dear Mariella problems page, hosted by the lovely Mariella Frostrup.

'Dear Mariella,' says A. N. Onymous. 'I have been in a relationship with a lovely, caring, adorable, affectionate man for almost three years. In the beginning I felt a passion and an excitement that I'd never known in any previous relationship.'

What, you might wonder, is the problem? Read on.

'I felt psychologically stimulated by my partner's desire to spank me and have anal sex with me... the problem is that I now find these activities increasingly burdensome... with my current lover [a quickie] means lying across his knee for half an hour while spanks me, after which he will want to perform anilingus on me, then enter me anally... there doesn't seem to be any way to have sex without spanking and sodomy...'

Well, it's probably safe to say he's not a tits or legs man. Exactly what qualifies Mariella to solve personal problems is unclear, but she does pithily point out: 'The words 'lovely, caring and affectionate' do not sit comfortably on a man whose only form of sexual expression is through your pain and debasement.' (Not sitting comfortably does seem to be quite a feature of this relationship.)

Mariella makes a considered 600-word reply to the problem, but she might as well have just written 'DON'T YOU REALISE YOU'RE LIVING IN A MAX HARDCORE FILM?'

Anilingus, spanking and sodomy make a change from the missionary position, but you don't have to be a marriage guidance counsellor to realise that there's something a tad lop-sided about this particular relationship, ie. the woman's sex life is basically just an opportunity for her partner to live out his fixation with butts and the fucking thereof. Doesn't she get a say in matters sexual? What would be this woman's response if her partner suggested getting Fido in on the act?

It's hard to believe that this level of victimhood exists amongst Observer-reading women in 2004. It's almost as though a liberal attitude to sex has allowed credulous people to be conned into thinking that they're being broadminded when in fact they're being exploited and treated as a sex object. 'Darling, let's not allow our sex life to become stale. Drink my piss, you dirty bitch!'

Are there many other people out there like Butt Girl, being routinely exploited as part of a loving relationship? It's an odd juxtaposition, this weird, exploitative sex life and being a thoroughly modern woman who presumably identifies with the oh-so-earnest, right-on Observer and is 'psychologically stimulated' by sex. What on earth are their lives like? Possibly something like this...

Sunday. 10am. Pop out for croissants, copy of the Observer, pint of semi-skimmed milk.

11am. Fellate alsation.

12pm. Discuss thought-provoking article by David Aaronovitch about the rise in anti-semitism amongst Western liberals.

1pm. Get strapped to flogging frame by partner.

3pm. Go to Ikea to buy modernist lemon juicer.

4pm. Have modernist lemon juicer rammed up arse by partner.

5pm. Cook light lunch of poached rainbow trout with caper sauce and side salad.

6pm. Get simultaneously penetrated by three strangers in National Trust car park while partner watches.

7pm. Iron clothes for work tomorrow.

8pm. Drink partner's urine from own anus.

9pm. Watch BBC4 documentary about history of feminism.


11pm. Go to bed with partner, five people he met on the Internet and Kevin the gerbil.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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