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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Online exams

This week the head of the government's exam regulator said that
schoolchildren could be taking exams by sitting at a computer
within five years. It's even been suggested that mobile phones
could allow children to answer coursework questions from home. So
what will exams look like in the future?

23 April 2004

1) GCSE maths to include the question: 'If Andrew has 500 gigabytes of child pornography, and forwards 25 per cent of them to Billy, how long will it be before they shamefacedly appear on local news after being caught by Operation Ore?'

2) A-level English Literature to be taught in text, eg. '2B or not 2B thts the questn wthr ts nblr in the mnd 2 sufr the slngs + arws of outrAjs 4tune, or 2 tAk Rms agnst a C of trbls...' etc. its wot the bRd wd hv wntd.

3) Syllabus to be geared to the Internet generation, eg. GCSEs in Star Trek, pornography and posting random obscene messages in chatgroups, eg. 'do U lik big dix pis fukc shit - sickboy'

4) UK's top universities only to accept candidates with exceptional skills in Multi-user role-playing games. A typical interview for a place at Oxford will look like this:

Tutor: Hail, Dorko, dwarfmaster of Vellumdale. If the ring of Onaan can only be found in the elven mountains, what would be the correct course of action?

Candidate: Hail, Soshillmizfit, High Wizard of Zogramuff. I would first trade my remaining gold pieces for provisions, then make my way to Caverns of Canderell to acquire the Sword of Smyrnof, enabling me to slay the dragon Smorgasbaurd, who guards the Misty Pass that leads to the aforementioned elven mountains.

Tutor: Verily, thou hast won a place on our Engineering course.

5) Invigilators to end exams with the words 'Stop cutting and pasting NOW.'

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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