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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF... Evil

12 June 2004

Evil is a much overused - and indeed a much misused - word, particularly in these terror-war times, when there seems to be - if the people who bandy the word around willy-nilly are to be believed - so much of it about. Not just Saddam and Osama and Hook Hamza and Mel Gibson, but also George Bush and Ronald Reagan, Jehovah's Witnesses and Jews.

Clearly the word 'evil' is now used merely as a synonym for 'really bad', and *everybody* thinks that somebody is really bad. However, surely where we must draw the line is the description of this year's Big Brother as evil. It isn't. But it should be.

The question after all, is: how much are these people prepared to tolerate for the twin trophies of easy money and instant television fame? In these days of government-sanctioned torture and people having their faces sliced to pieces for the chance to appear on MTV, there should really be no question of what is too far.

First off, there should be great physical and mental pain involved. The challenges should be fucking hard - not painting plates and cooking burgers, but walking over hot coals, juggling sharpened porcupines, defusing nail bombs. The house itself should at all stages be crawling with rats and cockroaches. There should be slippery rugs, knives and terrifying ghostly apparitions scattered liberally about the place. The contestants should be woken not with sirens, but with a snooker ball in a sock. They should be starved for a week, then poisoned. Whilst they're recovering they should be told that a loved one has snuffed it, then offered more money to stay. They should also be branded, the words 'I have no dignity' burned into their foreheads for eternity.

Furthermore, every contestant should have their desire to win really put to the test. How much exactly are they prepared to sacrifice in order to stay on television? Their eyebrows? Their fingernails? Their teeth? An earlobe? A toe? A nipple? A testicle? A liver? A limb? Once this has been ascertained, the person prepared to lose the most should be suitably dismembered and, to the sound of evil laughter, evicted. Also, the two best-looking contestants should be HIV positive and ideally, unaware of the fact.

Alternatively, in order to receive any money, the winner is forced to behead a contestant voted for by the public. Just imagine the head of your least favourite, held up to the camera in the usual way, as bank notes fall from the ceiling like evil winking balloons.

Now that'd be evil worth staying up for.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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