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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Britain's Euro Shame

This week Jack Straw said that the frolicsome and exuberant behaviour of some England supporters in Portugal brought 'shame' on our nation. But who else is bringing shame on Britain?

18 June 2004

1) Robert Kilroy-Silk. Continental Europe has produced its share of complete wankers: Mussolini, the bloke out of Roxette and the Red Brigade, but wait until Kilroy gets to the European Assembly - they won't know what's hit them. How, they will wonder, could the nation that produced Newton, Darwin and Churchill also have spawned this vain, self-important, self-regarding, xenophobic, creepy tosser?

2) Paul McCartney. Without the restraining influence of the rest of the Beatles, Macca seems incapable of writing a song that isn't terminally naff: Give Ireland Back to the Irish, Mull of Kintyre (bane of many a primary school guitar class down the years), The Frog Chorus and the retchsome Freedom. Even his choice of wife is embarrassing: oddbod fantasist Heather Mills. One of these days we'll see him wearing a denim jacket with the word 'WHITESNAKE' Tippexed on the back.

3) The entire cast of Eastenders. If they're not killing taxi drivers, wanking on the Internet or falling down the stairs at soap awards, they're leaving to start improbable music careers (Kelvin, where art thou?) or appearing in terrible, generic ITV dramas. Also, not one of them is capable of acting a character that isn't themself. When proper actress Susan George briefly appeared on the square, she stood out like Al Pacino playing the third shepherd in a school nativity play.

4) The Beckhams. This gruesome twosome lost radio contact with planet earth some time ago, but now they seem to have completely disappeared into a self-created parallel universe of ludicrous fashions, relentless self-promotion and hideous tattoos. Has anyone noticed how the tattoo on David's neck looks like the emblem of the Third Reich?

5) Tony and Cherie Blair. The list of crimes is long: atrocious fashions, God bothering, sick-making speeches (both of them), unsettling, painted-on smiles and the little matter of an unwanted war, to name but a few. It would probably do Britain's image no end of good if we stopped allowing the Blairs to represent the country abroad and sent Bernard Manning and Grotbags instead.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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