- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Culture and Society

Go Rooney!

3 September 2004

Poor old 27m Shrek-lookalike Wayne Rooney. There seems to be nothing he can do that doesn't result in somebody new detesting him. This week he accepted an obscene amount of money and decided to play football for Manchester United. This apparently irked a lot of Everton fans, who feel that he should remain with their team, simply because he once said, "Once a blue, always a blue." Jesus, give him a break. He's only 18. Plus he's an idiot. And a liar.

Obviously there is a lot more to Wayne Rooney than banging ropey old whores and forcing tired tabloid hacks to come up with ever less-inspired Roo-based puns. Well, maybe not *a lot more*, but more. He plays football for example, a noble sport adored by retards and thugs alike.

And they are a fickle bunch, these fans of the beautiful game. One minute theyre telling you how much they admire your talent, the next they're spraying death threats all over town. Last weekend, graffiti appeared all over Merseyside, likening Rooney to Judas Iscariot, the betrayer of Jesus Christ. A little extreme perhaps. And a little conceited.

Another scrawl targeted Rooney's agent, Paul Stretford, depicting him hanging by the neck until dead. Stretford's address and mobile telephone number were also given out on an unofficial Everton website. Over the last few weeks, he and his family have apparently received the 'most unbelievable amount of abuse'. Which makes you wonder about these people. It is after all, only a fucking game. And not a very good one at that.

Intelligent football fans, should they exist, will argue that this wall-daubing, death-threatening contingent is just a small minority of the fanbase and in no way representative of the average fan. But this is bollocks. Football attracts morons. You'd have to be a moron to deny it. Unlike any other sport or pastime, football is like a magnet for the small-minded. Vicious, hateful, selfish, lifeless vermin flock to football like wasps to a discarded coke can. And for every Nick Hornby, there are millions of mono-syllabic lice who go to Rooney websites and write things like this in Rooney site guestbooks:

'rooney ur a traitor,ur neva a true blue.i dont kno how u cn even fink abar movin.u cud have bin a everton hero.how cud ur wear a t shirt sayin'once a blue,always a blue'.ur worse than jeffers or barmby.JUDAS...'


'rooney fnx 4 cumin 2 man utd da fitest man playin 4 ma 2 best teams wot more do ya want ur so fit i luv ya loadz dump coleen she wants ya 4 ya money do it 4 us fans we love u wayne plz stay at united so i can c u play love ya wayne...'

Guardian media writer Roy Greenslade pleaded this week that the tabloids leave Rooney alone. It's not going to happen. Football is money. Rooney, for the moment, is football. So, like Rooney himself, like sweet, betrayed, persevering, brand new Mercedes-owning Coleen, like the rest of us, poor old Roy Greenslade is going to have to get used to Shrek's 'young and stupid' face gurning out from the tabloids.

After all, 27m can buy an awful lot of ropey old whores.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved