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Home > Culture and Society

Go Rooney!

3 September 2004

Poor old 27m Shrek-lookalike Wayne Rooney. There seems to be nothing he can do that doesn't result in somebody new detesting him. This week he accepted an obscene amount of money and decided to play football for Manchester United. This apparently irked a lot of Everton fans, who feel that he should remain with their team, simply because he once said, "Once a blue, always a blue." Jesus, give him a break. He's only 18. Plus he's an idiot. And a liar.

Obviously there is a lot more to Wayne Rooney than banging ropey old whores and forcing tired tabloid hacks to come up with ever less-inspired Roo-based puns. Well, maybe not *a lot more*, but more. He plays football for example, a noble sport adored by retards and thugs alike.

And they are a fickle bunch, these fans of the beautiful game. One minute theyre telling you how much they admire your talent, the next they're spraying death threats all over town. Last weekend, graffiti appeared all over Merseyside, likening Rooney to Judas Iscariot, the betrayer of Jesus Christ. A little extreme perhaps. And a little conceited.

Another scrawl targeted Rooney's agent, Paul Stretford, depicting him hanging by the neck until dead. Stretford's address and mobile telephone number were also given out on an unofficial Everton website. Over the last few weeks, he and his family have apparently received the 'most unbelievable amount of abuse'. Which makes you wonder about these people. It is after all, only a fucking game. And not a very good one at that.

Intelligent football fans, should they exist, will argue that this wall-daubing, death-threatening contingent is just a small minority of the fanbase and in no way representative of the average fan. But this is bollocks. Football attracts morons. You'd have to be a moron to deny it. Unlike any other sport or pastime, football is like a magnet for the small-minded. Vicious, hateful, selfish, lifeless vermin flock to football like wasps to a discarded coke can. And for every Nick Hornby, there are millions of mono-syllabic lice who go to Rooney websites and write things like this in Rooney site guestbooks:


'rooney ur a traitor,ur neva a true blue.i dont kno how u cn even fink abar movin.u cud have bin a everton hero.how cud ur wear a t shirt sayin'once a blue,always a blue'.ur worse than jeffers or barmby.JUDAS...'


or:


'rooney fnx 4 cumin 2 man utd da fitest man playin 4 ma 2 best teams wot more do ya want ur so fit i luv ya loadz dump coleen she wants ya 4 ya money do it 4 us fans we love u wayne plz stay at united so i can c u play love ya wayne...'


Guardian media writer Roy Greenslade pleaded this week that the tabloids leave Rooney alone. It's not going to happen. Football is money. Rooney, for the moment, is football. So, like Rooney himself, like sweet, betrayed, persevering, brand new Mercedes-owning Coleen, like the rest of us, poor old Roy Greenslade is going to have to get used to Shrek's 'young and stupid' face gurning out from the tabloids.

After all, 27m can buy an awful lot of ropey old whores.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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