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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Commercial Opportunism

When a council-run leisure centre in Bury St Edmunds caught fire this week, onlookers and firefighters were amazed to see staff from the local Fitness First gym handing out promotional leaflets while the fire raged. A Fitness First spokesman later blamed 'excessive enthusiasm', but what other examples of naked commercial opportunism can we expect in the future?

1 October 2004

1) Macdonalds to start selling McLiposuction Kits, McStomach Staples and McDefibrillators.

2) TV loans companies to sell their client lists to BUPA. Everyone who takes out a loan from Ocean Finance to get an immediate visit from a BUPA rep offering them plastic surgery. And by God they need it.

3) Police to start charging for their services. Under the Platinum Deluxe package the Met, the Special Branch and Interpol will set to work finding out who broke into your garden shed. Under the Economy SuperSaver package a teenage work experience girl will send you a letter six months after the crime saying 'Sorry youv'e been murdured. Love, Kelly XXX.'

4) Microsoft to introduce Windows 2005, which only works if the user has been fitted with a Microsoft Mind Control 2005 chip.

5) Bush administration and Halliburton to extend lucrative Iraq reconstruction project to the rest of the world. Intelligence reports suggest that Milton Keynes is building weapons of mass destruction under the leadership of the evil General Krull.



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