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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... chav Britain

It's been a mixed week for chavs. 'Chav' has been named buzzword of the year in a new book about contemporary language. Meanwhile child chavs are believed to be distraught at the news that Asda will not be selling eggs to kids because they could be used in trick-or-treat 'pranks', ie. scaring pensioners to death with a barrage of hard objects. But hate 'em or hate 'em, chavs have never had a higher profile, so what next for our burgeoning underclass?

25 October 2004

1) Chavs to be redefined as a distinct ethnic group, making it illegal to threaten them with violence as they set fire to your shed, put a brick through your window, blow up your cat with fireworks, etc.

2) English language to subtly change to accommodate chav speech habits, eg. 'To fucking be or fucking not to fucking be, fucking hell, that's the fucking question, innit?'

3) Schools to meet the needs of 'differently abled' chav pupils. Getting 98 per cent in an exam will now result in a fail, while drawing an ejaculating cock on the exam paper and threatening a teacher with sexual assault results in an A+.

4) The political scene will be shaken up as the UKChav party is formed. Its manifesto includes: drinking in public places to become compulsory, DSS to introduce new Argos Jewellery Allowance and all streets to become Designated Spitting Zones.

5) The Union Jack to be replaced with a Burberry flag with a patch of snot and blood in one corner in memory of the countless chavs who've helped to make Street Crime UK the great programme it is.



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