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Home > Culture and Society

A few good satanists

29 October 2004

If you forced to choose between this

and this

you'd probably find yourself more than a little depressed. Like being asked to choose between a Double Decker and a Curly Wurly. Too cruel this world, you'd want to cry, too cruel. Why can't I have both? Well, now you can, as the Royal Navy this week ruled that practising Satanist Chris Cranmer has every right to hail the Prince of Darkness whenever the hell he damn well pleases. On the poop deck, in the crow's nest, or even in his glory-hole.

Satan has finally been allowed to take to the high seas with her Majesty's approval. Now that really is a refreshing change.

To read such a story really blows away the cobwebs and makes us believe in genuine human progress. In our increasingly insular, heavily-Islamophobic press, a story of such hope, open-mindedness and acceptance can only be a very good thing. And we pray that this heralds in a new tolerance for members of all of the world's less-popular but equally idiotic religions. But especially
Satanists. They're so funny.

So what exactly does Cranmer believe in? Well, according to 'The Nine Satanic Statements' of the Church of Satan website, Cranmer is all in favour of, amongst other things, indulgence instead of abstinence; kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates; and vengeance instead of turning the other cheek. Why, the navy should be over the moon. He sounds like a captain in the making. If the navy had more men of Cranmer's anti-Christly calibre, it could probably get back to the glory days of Sir Francis Drake and the Village People. They should come up with a new recruiting campaign aimed solely at Satanists and their ilk. 'They. Want. You. Who, me? But... but... but I'm afraid of holy water.' OK, maybe not.

Apparently, Cranmer came clean about his Satanism because he didn't want to go and die and then have Christian burial rites performed over him. That's just about the worst thing that can happen to a Satanist. They go straight to heaven for that. But also, he said: 'I didn't want to feel I couldn't get out my Satanic Bible and relax in bed.' Aaaah. That's so sweet! You can just see him, all tucked up in his lower bunk, devouring Anton Szandor LaVey's diabolical indignation. Maybe he'd have all the rest of his paraphernalia scattered around him too. His little altar, his candles and his bell. His little sword, his gong and his model penis. A senior naval officer said: 'We have to allow people permission to practise their religions, whatever they are. But he must not do anything which causes offence. This includes a ban on sťances or any practices like drinking blood from freshly decapitated animals.' Boo! Let the man drink blood if he wants to. Where's the harm?

Anyway, minor quibbles aside, a beautiful story, and everybody's happy. Oh, everybody except former Shadow something or other, Anne Widdecombe. 'Satanism is wrong,' the sexless party-pooper moaned to the press. 'What they believe and do in their own home is one thing,' she said, 'what they do at work is the business of their employer.' Yeah, and their employer thinks it's fine, so button it, you miserable old bag. That's right. Anne Widdecombe is Out. Satan is In.

Hail Satan.

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