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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To: Things going wrong at Christmas

Ooh, we all know what it's like when things go wrong at Christmas: granddad's had one too many sherries during the Queen's speech, mum's forgotten to defrost the turkey and dad forgot to get batteries for little Tommy's electronic video game... actually, fuck this shit. None of these things ever happen in real life, merely in the stunted imaginations of newspaper cartoonists and Daily Mirror columnists. So what's really likely to go wrong this Christmas?

24 December 2004

1) You send out dozens of hilarious Christmas cards with a chav theme. Unfortunately all your friends have by now tired of anti-chav humour and think you're a racist.

2) One of your co-workers makes a bit of a fool of themselves at your office Christmas party by getting tipsy and flirting outrageously with colleagues. Unfortunately, you too make a bit of a fool of yourself by getting tipsy and pissing yourself.

3) You try Heston Blumenthal's much-vaunted technique of slow-cooking turkey at a low temperature and kill six people.

4) You see mummy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe. You then see mummy performing oral sex on Santa Claus under the mistletoe. To make matters worse, Santa Claus isn't daddy in a costume, it's mummy's work colleague Brendan who popped over while daddy is out buying presents. As a result of this early childhood trauma you spend the rest of your life having guilt-ridden homosexual encounters in public toilets while trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage. And you develop chronic psychosomatic asthma whenever you see an image of Santa.

5) You have a wonderful family Christmas, buying delightful gifts for your partner and children, putting up masses of decorations and cooking a sumptuous Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Unfortunately, you're a 43-year-old singleton living in a dingy, one-bedroom flat, and your partner and children exist only in your troubled imagination.

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