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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... New Year's Resolutions

Greetings, readers! It's a brand new year, full of excitement and promise! Mind you, that's what they said about 2004, and that was pretty shit. But in yet another triumph of feebleminded optimism over common sense, it's time to make those New Year's resolutions. So what will you doing in 2005?

13 January 2005

1. Finally get in shape with aerobics. Burn off those calories wanking like a wild monkey over the Eric Prydz video.

2. Avoid putting yourself under pressure by creating a list of 20 things to do before you're 30. Instead make it 20 things to before you're 85. By then you won't be able to remember who you are, let alone the fact that you've never been to Ireland.

3. Lose those Christmas pounds with the 'see food' diet. When you 'see food' you eat it! (WARNING: This gag may lose something in written form.)

4. Become a better person by buying a Big Issue even if you're not interested in the person on the cover. (Alternatively develop a deep fascination with the opinions and life philosophy of Pink.)

5. Cleverly make sure you keep all your New Year's resolutions by making them depressingly mundane, eg. Buy some shampoo, put your CDs back in their cases, watch more TV, have a shit, etc.



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