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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Sex Exams

This week we learned that the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority has produced a draft guide for schools on how to assess what pupils had learned from sex education and other 'life studies'-type subjects. Or as the more excitable papers put it: 'Pupils to sit sex exams'. So what will these involve?

29 January 2005

1) Pupils will be required to show a thorough knowledge of contraception, alternatives to penetrative sex, different sexual orientations, the consequences of unwanted pregnancy, the dangers of STDs and what order you'd do Girls Aloud in*.

2) Exam paper to contain 'applied sexuality' questions, eg.

'If Andy has two STDs and gives 50 per cent to Brenda, and Brenda already has three STDs and gives 75 per cent to Charlie, how many STDs does Charlie have? [For extra points, state (a) how long it takes for Charlie's knob to fall off, and (b) what colour it is.]'

3) Teenagers lose all interest in sex as soon as they're forced to study it. Pupils variously comment that sex is 'boring', 'a waste of time', 'nothing to do with real life' and 'just shit'.

4) Pupils are finally taught about the grown-up realities of sex, rather than just biological facts and information about contraception. New learning modules include:

- Promiscuity: the inevitable substitute for love and respect

- Sexual fantasy and visualisation techniques for long-term relationships

- Anal sex: how to laugh off tentative requests

5) Teachers quickly grow weary of 'humorous' requests for oral exams.

*Correct answer: The blonde one, the racist, the other fit one and the two others in no set order.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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