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Home > Culture and Society

Demeaning is simple

28 February 2005

This week Italian sexpert Piero Lorenzoni exploded all over the anxious face of Sex Journalism like dead Benny Hill's balls.

On Wednesday he featured in Bild, Germany's answer to the Sun. On Thursday he had made it to the front page of the Sun, England's answer to Herman Goering. And the theory with which he has forged this international tabloid celebrity is quite simply the most embarrassingly puerile, baselessly vacuous, ridiculously trumped-up load of old shit-dressed-as-pop-science you have ever heard in your life.

It is as follows: 'A woman's breasts denote a woman's character, just like her star sign.' There it is. Just like her star sign. It's that scientific. But Lorenzoni needed a hook - something as spellbinding and valid as a Zodiacal chart, but breast-related. Then it came to him. Fruit.

This really is ludicrous enough to deserve our fullest, roundest attention. So, first up - naturally enough, says Ananova - melons. The woman with large round melon-shaped breasts 'likes eating', says Lorenzoni. 'She wants to be spoiled and admired. But seldom likes sex.' One wonders what size sample these findings are based upon. One presumes a sample of one. If that.

For men who like their women a little less backward in coming forward, Lorenzoni recommends they find themselves a woman whose breasts are shaped like lemons. So here we're talking pert and prominent, slightly tart to the taste and with a thick tangy rind. 'These women are full of life and can laugh at themselves and their ludicrous breasts. They want a balanced life without

Or maybe a woman with cherries in her vest would be more to your taste? Cherry-chested women are 'funny and very exciting. They are entertaining and intelligent, make great partners both for everyday life and on holiday, and are moderately interested in sex.' And so on. It does go on for a while, taking in oranges, grapefruit and pineapples. And it gets no less feeble.

But is a bogus conceit really all it takes to be a Sexpert? Apparently so. So, in a similar vein, we have developed a theory on how men's personalities, such as they are, can be laid bare by a quick appraisal of the size and shape of their penises. We've made a little guide, using vegetables as our template...

First, naturally enough, the marrow man. The marrow man has a whopping great cock, guaranteed to spread you wider than a Siamese triplet. Unfortunately, his idea of pleasing a woman is very similar to Jamie Oliver's idea of tenderising a chunk of mutton. They're all mallet and no Timmy. The Button Mushroom. Ironically enough, men with a plump stump of a glans and precious little else are generous, witty, warm and intelligent. Selfless in the extreme, they would make the most astonishing lovers, if only they were capable. Of course penetration isn't everything. But these men are so belittled by the laughter of melon-breasted women that their relationships are very rarely physical. Most of them shack up with Christians. The Artichoke... Yeah, alright, you're right. That's enough.

Astonishingly, this is not Lorenzoni's first foray into the public eye. As well as 'English Eroticism', he is also the author of 'The Secret History of the Chastity Belt', by all accounts a captivating bedtime read. We genuinely hope however, now that he has shown his arse with this breast-fruit thing, that he clears his desk of sticky tissues, writes a letter of apology to womankind and pulls a Hunter.

Son-of-a-bitch has set back the cause of sexpertise at least 25 years.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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