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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To: Infidelity

This week a survey claimed that more than one in four women had had an affair. Women aged 30 to 59 were surveyed on behalf of the witless magazine publisher Conde Nast, also revealing that one in 20 claimed to have had sex on a plane, while one in eight described their sex lives as 'kinky'. Which probably means doing it with the light on. But if women are having affairs willy-nilly, what does this mean for relationships?

7 March 2005

1) Find out if your partner is having an affair by relentlessly accusing them of being unfaithful, refusing to let them go out on their own, rummaging through their handbag or jacket pockets, and reading their text messages and diary. This will put your mind at rest and thus guarantee a lasting relationship.

2) Be alert for tell-tale signs of infidelity: a partner may suddenly start working late, they may have credit card receipts for gifts or meals that weren't for you, they may become distant or evasive, and they may say things like 'At least Dave knows how to fuck me!'

3) The worst aspect of infidelity is being the victim: you'll feel rejected, depressed, inadequate and foolish. Thus it's better to be the one committing the infidelity. In any relationship, always be on the look out for a bit on the side, and never pass up an opportunity for an illicit shag. Soon you'll come to regard sex as a emotionless, mechanical ritual between strangers, and Hey Presto! Your heart will never be broken again!

4) If your partner has been unfaithful, ask yourself why and what you can do to put things right. They may feel that some of the excitement has gone out of your relationship, or they may just not like sucking off strangers in a National Trust car park while you watch.

5) If there has been infidelity in a relationship, for God's sake keep your head and NEVER use physical violence against your partner. It's far more satisfying to play evil mind games with them. Why not tell them they've ruined your life? Or that you can't trust people anymore? Or that you're thinking of killing yourself? (The correct way to inform someone you're contemplating suicide is by phoning them at 3am, drunk, thus suggesting there is a distinct possibility of 'doing something silly'. 'I've got the pills/knife right here,' is also a nice touch.)

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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