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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To: Affordability

This week we learned of plans to help younger people get on the property ladder by building affordable 50,000 homes that are pre-fabricated in a factory and assembled cheaply and quickly on site. This is a nice idea, so at TFT we wondered what other things could be made affordable?

11 March 2005

1) Frogspawn makes excellent, affordable, 'supersize' caviar.

2) Save money on an expensive laptop by instead buying a crap 'Kidz Komputer' toy with a grey LCD screen and non-functioning keyboard from Argos. Whenever anyone asks to actually see it working, save face by sighing wearily and saying 'Oh no! Not MyDoom again!'

3) Invent a shrinking potion/ray to reduce your living expenses. When you're four inches tall you'll be able to circumvent the housing market by living in a shoe box, eating crumbs from the table and wearing an acorn cup for a hat. NB. This is not such a good idea if you own a cat.

4) Save money on expensive pornography by simply editing the boring 'story' bits out of sensationalist, publicity-seeking TV programmes using the 'pause' button on your video. For example: Tipping the Velvet: hot lesbian action. No Angels: girls next door talk filthy. Channel 4's The Banned Season: every perversion under the sun.

5) Don't waste money on your children. Just bring them up with pitifully low expectations by never celebrating birthdays or Christmas, making them wear charity shop blouses instead of proper school uniforms, only feeding them past-its-sell-by-date food you find round the back of Asda and refusing to own a TV or any form of entertainment. After a few years they'll be so comprehensively stunted in their development that their little heads will explode with excitement if you give them a dead pigeon to play with.

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