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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To: The future of the papacy

You'd have thought God would take a bit more care of His representatives on Earth. Jesus, Joan of Arc, David Koresh, and now the Pope... all a bit fucked in the end. He could at least make them immortal. Or give them super-powers. Or robot exo-skeletons. But to move away from idle musings about The Predator Vs. Robo-Pope, what does the future hold for the papacy?

10 April 2005

1) The next Pope to be less illiberal and more in keeping with modern ideas about morality. Catholics will be allowed to use contraception, but only if they subsequently whip their genitals with flails.

2) The previously secretive selection procedure for the next pope to be replaced with a more modern system: Pope Idol. Contestants will have to sing the catechisms while attempting to dance to solemn monastic chanting.

3) Roman Catholic church to adopt a more realistic view of human sexuality. Masturbation no longer frowned upon, although Catholics will be required to organise a funeral service for each individual sperm.

4) The Vatican will maintain its historical policy of extreme piety combined with shamelessly lining its own pockets under the new incumbent, Pope Cherie Blair the First.

5) Catholic church to embrace 21st technology: Catholics will be issued with an Oyster Guilt Card, which they have to keep topped up with Hail Marys.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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