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Home > Culture and Society

Child Murder And More Ready-Made Conversations: A TFT Resource

4 June 2005

Mercifully, child-on-child attempted murder is a very rare thing. However, it's considerably likely that however much you'd prefer to avoid the horrible subject of the attempted hanging of Anthony Hinchliffe, you'll be dragged into an interminable speak-your-brains conversation with workmates or people down the pub. Having realised this, we decided to create an instant Bad Conversations crib sheet. Simply print out the following article and effortlessly take part in any idiotic conversation about issues of the moment without having to flex a single braincell...

>> The TFT Bad Conversations Crib Sheet

Anthony Hinchliffe

'It's wrong, innit, taking a little kiddie like that and trying to hang him from a tree. What I reckon they should do is make all rope stretchy like elastic bands. 'Cos then when they try to hang a poor little kiddie, they'd just bounce up and down like one of them bungee things. Probably quite enjoy it, in fact.'

The European Referendum

'I mean, do we want to be all wearing Nazi uniforms and eating raw onions and smoking pot and shagging women with hairy armpits and sitting under a tree having a siesta when you should be at work and eating bulls' testicles and that? Nah. [NB. This conversation will cause a shocked silence in most situations, after which you will, happily, no longer be required to contribute to the conversation. But not if you're chatting with Sun readers.]

Rod Stewart's new baby

'I really think it's not right, considering the age difference. But they DO say love conquers all. Although what sort of a father is he going to be to that child? Of course it does reflect a trend to have children later in life. Mind you, it is disgusting. Lucky sod.'

The naming of 'Deep Throat'

'Can't say I've really been following it, but apparently in the film Dustin Hoffman has got a clitoris in his throat. Is that weird or what?'

Michael Jackson

'The thing is, right, all the best pop stars are paedophiles, aren't they? Jackson, Glitter, Townsend, King. So what they should do is take a load of musical instruments to prison and get all the paedoes to make records. You'd get loads of brilliant albums and they'd have repaid their debt to society. And then you could drown them all in a sack and they'd still be able to go to heaven.'

The future of the Tory party

'They should get that Neil Craddock. [Awkward pause as coworkers wonder what the hell you're talking about.] The Welshman. [Awkward pause]. You know. Neil Craddock. They used to call him the Welsh Binbag. [Awkward pause as someone suggests you might be talking about Neil Kinnock.] Yeah, him. [Another awkward pause as someone points out that not only is Neil Kinnock not a member of the Tory party, but he is also no longer a member of the British parliament.] Is that right? Well, you live and learn.'


Using this helpful crib sheet, you certainly needn't waste any time over the coming week actually trying to make any sensible contribution to idiot conversations. And if your friends and workmates are dyed-in-the-wool imbeciles, you'll probably become the most popular member of your dismal social circle.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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