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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Getting back to normal

Oh God, what a week it’s been. If Al Quaeda hasn’t scared you shitless, then ITV News probably has with their relentlessly sensationalist coverage telling you ‘THE NIGHTMARE ISN’T OVER!!! SECONDARY DEVICES ARE EVERYWHERE!!! IN FACT, PROBABLY DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR SOFA!!!’ But what can we all do to help get things back to normal as soon as possible? TFT makes some suggestions...

15 July 2005

1) Avoid any form of camaraderie with other commuters. They’d much prefer it to your strange attempts to make eye contact that YOU imagine suggests ‘We’re all in it together, eh?’, but actually makes you look like a slightly simple sex pest.

2) To avoid being affected by last week’s bombings, or any future terrorist outrage, become one of those people who hasn’t got a fucking clue about anything of any importance, eg. ‘The war in Iraq? What‘s that? I’m not really interested in politics.’

3) Adopt the traditional ‘Me me me!‘ response to any sort of disaster and bang on endlessly as though you were in the thick of it, eg. ‘That’s my bus route, the number 30. Well, it was when I worked in Liverpool Street in 1981. But if the terrorists had struck 24 years earlier, I’d be dead.’

4) A week on, it’s perfectly OK not to bother with ‘Blitz spirit’ anymore. Go back to hating your neighbours because they annoy you in some trivial way, e.g. They use up all the space in the communal dustbins, leaving YOUR bin bags to be ripped open by foxes, revealing that you live on a diet of Asda ready meals for one and £1.79 wine.

5) Stop wearing that biological-chemical protection suit on the Tube.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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