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Home > Culture and Society

Terribly unimpressive events

24 July 2005

In what seemed to be a desperate cry for help, four seemingly non-suicide bombers failed either to bomb or to suicide in London yesterday. Armed police chased one man, wanting merely to console him, but he ran off sobbing into a ruined rucksack. Several fundamentalist groups posted messages on their websites claiming no responsibility for the attack whatsoever. 'These men are an embarrassment to our cause', said one, 'and we wish to point out we have never been affiliated with any of them. Except the one who at least broke the bus window. He's alright.'

Thankfully, and on a more serious note, no-one was hurt, and two people were arrested, which is a definite improvement on last time. The fact that the shambolic - if successfully co-ordinated - effort was a mirror of the previous operation shook people up, but was also oddly reassuring: there was no imagination in it, nor commitment, nor expertise, and it suggested perhaps that the 7th really was the best they could muster. Sad-sack terrorists. We suggest that to maintain their deadliest weapon of surprise (surprise and fear, fear and surprise - two main weapons), any future cod-terrorist chancers should think a little smarter, perhaps taking note of TFT’s terror tips.

1) Rucksacks are far too obvious, and give the Daily Star the opportunity to use the side-splitting headline ‘RUCKSACK OF DOOM’, which isn’t really very terrifying. Use a large lady’s handbag instead. In order to avoid suspicion, dress in women’s clothing to match (there’s a specialist place for it on Eversholt Street, you can get the big shoes and everything). London is a tolerant place and no one should look twice at you.

2) That ‘bomb dogs’ idea that was in that BBC 2 thing a few years ago… hey, don’t dismiss it outright.

3) The detonators caused no casualties, but did create panic and a large-scale shut-down of the tube. Try the less-is-more approach to create maximum effect with minimum resources – eat popping candy on crowded buses, inflate bags of crisps and pop them against your hand, walk up behind people and shout ‘boo’.

4) The tube system is riddled with mice. Mice carry some nasty germs. Surreptitiously scatter cheese about the platforms.

5) Remember, aim for total unpredictability. Instead of committing your simultaneous suicide bombing attack on the tube in rush hour or at lunchtime, commit suicide quietly in your own home in the middle of the night by taking dodgy acid in a room full of sharp things. They’ll never expect that.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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