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Home > Culture and Society

Greenish gold

31 July 2005

These are tough, rough times for the world, and anyone timidly suggesting there will soon be some kind of let-up will be beaten to death in yet another example of the toughness, and the roughness, of said times. Although, it must be tiresomely reiterated, this is how the world has always worked. War. Famine.
Pestilence. Ringtones. Human beings have been a good deal less than excellent to each other since they evolved from apes, and even before that they liked nothing better than to sit around hitting each with bits of tree and snorting in a primitive precursor to actual bestial cackling.

However, even in these lousy times we all must brace ourselves for worse. This week it emerged that due to a drought in Spain, the price of yummy, versatile and healthful olive oil is set to rocket. (They could always make it out of something other than olives, no one would know. It never smells like olives. It smells like something inedible you could use to clean gently some part of your car.) Never was there such a conspicuous candidate for nudging us toward global flashpoint. In the belief it is better not to beat about the parched and barren bush at such times, TFT gives it to you straight - the implications of this are terrible. *Terrible*.


1) Celebrity chefs, aghast at the extortionate price of the basic ingredient, go on strike. Gaps open up in the TV schedules, to be hastily filled with old episodes of 'Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em'. Suicide rate soars.

2) Ailing couples on the brink of last-ditched slippery experimentation find that they cannot afford a bottle of the good stuff. Screaming rows in supermarkets ensue. Divorce rate soars.

3) Everyone's pasta starts to stick together in the pan. Indigestion rate soars.

4) Fire officers can no longer afford to use olive oil to free small children who have got their little arms wedged in fences. Small-children-wedged-in-fence-for-longer-than-strictly-necessary rate soars.

5) With olive branches at a premium, world peace is dealt a body-blow. Oh bugger.

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