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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Pete Doherty Test

2 September 2005

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times, but most of us could do without real or supposed infidelity being on the front cover of a national magazine. Can you imagine:

  • EXCLUSIVE! Dave Smith’s suspicions confirmed: Yes, his fiance WAS more than just mates with Steve!

  • LUCY JOINER OF BRACKNELL SHOCKER: Her housemate Sarah is a bit chatty with her boyfriend when he comes round: are they fucking?

  • GAVIN JONES’ PATERNITY BATTLE: Who will win, him or Lee from across the road?

Thus it was hard not to feel a bit sorry for ‘troubled’ Bambi lookalike crack space cadet disaster area popster Pete Doherty this week, when some women’s mag ran the coverline:

‘Is Kate secretly cheating on Pete?’

The answer is probably ‘We don’t know, but you’ve bought the magazine by now, so who cares?’, but it made us wonder if Pete Doherty perhaps gets a bit too much flak.

For someone whose career high point was The Libertines, Pete Doherty gets a lot of attention. From the fans it’s adoring; from the media it’s a combination of venom and speculation about overdoses, wasted talent, the perils of crack and suchlike.

However, there’s another way of looking at Pete’s situation, and that is: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENTLY? If you doubt this, simply take TFT’s Pete Doherty Test:

Question 1. What would you prefer? Is it:

(A) A Mondeo, a rabbit hutch/shoe box Wimpey home and a crippling mortgage provided by the high street bank where you work and where your young life is slowly gurgling down the plughole of mediocrity;

(B) Fucking Kate Moss on drugs?

Question 2. You feel you have untapped creative potential. What do you do?

(A) Go to a creative writing group at your local library;

(B) Become a rock star, learn a few lines from Blake and Yeats, wing it as an intellectual and get limitless adoration from your dopey fans?

Question 3. On Friday night, what do you plan to do?

(A) Put a San Marco frozen pizza in the oven, buy a bottle of Ernst and Julio chardonnay and settle down on the sofa with your partner in front of Miss Congeniality 3;

(B) Coke, crack, methamphetamine, E, heroin, skunk, Ketamine and Kate Moss?

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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