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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Modern Manners

9 September 2005

Another publishing trend emerged recently, with a glut of books about modern manners in the pipeline, not least the brilliantly titled 'Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of Everyday Life' by Lynn Truss. Not wishing to be left out, TFT compiled our own guide to modern manners…


1) Always throw up in your handbag. It's more ladylike.

2) If having an intimate tete-a-tete with a friend, spend most of your time chatting to other people on your mobile, thus making your friend think they must be the most boring person in the world.

3) When travelling by bus, it is incredibly rude not to conduct a 'rap battle' with any travelling companions. Alternatively, simply shout along to gangsta rap blaring out of a crappy little stereo. (Thanks to the twats on the number 57 bus route from Streatham for this bit of modern etiquette.)

4) If you're out dogging in a national trust car park and see Steve McFadden grunting like a pig as he ejaculates down the side of a Ford Escort, don't point and stare. It's rude.

5) Give up your seat to pregnant women and elderly passengers on the bus. This might count in your defence after you've stabbed another passenger to death for no reason whatsoever.

6) While you're composing another inane text message while walking down a busy street, don't bother to look where you're going. Other people will be only too happy to get out of your way. However, if you should bump into someone, avoid an ugly situation by claiming to have a 'blade'.

7) If you are forced to cycle on the pavement, always cycle as though you're on the road, or, better still, as though you're taking part in the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi.

8) Never buy a push chair that is less than the size of a small car. People without children shouldn't be using the pavement anyway.

9) When using public transport, always take with you something that is clearly unsuitable to be transported on a bus or tube, eg, 10 large suitcases, or an 18 foot length of plastic drainpipe. Then glare at other passengers as though the inconvenience is their fault.

10) If you see a car that's broken down and is slightly blocking the traffic, beep your horn repeatedly and give the driver a particularly vile and unhinged blast of four letter abuse as you edge past, eg. 'FUCKING CUNT! YOU FUCKING SHITTY CUNT! SHITTY CUNT SHIT BASTARD!' etc. (NB. This is particularly classy if the driver is a panicked and tearful woman.)

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