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Home > Culture and Society

TFT Guide to... Surviving Bird Flu

21 October 2005

This week the chief medical officer, Professor Liam Donaldson, revealed that it will be impossible to stop an avian flu pandemic reaching the UK, with the potential to kill 50,000 people. So what can we do to protect ourselves against the coming epidemic?

...


1) Leave a sachet of Lemsip on your bird table every day.


2) Take sensible precautions against bird flu in a calm and measured way. Assemble an angry mob armed with hammers to smash every box of eggs in your local supermarket before the chickens get out.


3) Always wear a condom while having sex with chickens.


4) Fill your freezer with supermarket chicken drumsticks while you can. When the epidemic arrives, you'll be able to sell them for 50 each to people craving their fix of pale, pimply, flavourless meat that's 50 per cent water and 25 per cent antibiotics.


5) Try and take bird flu seriously, after not having been in the least bit affected by AIDS, BSE, salmonella, MRSA, chlamydia, mobile phone masts, etc.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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