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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... the Mitchell Brothers

28 October 2005

This week the BBC tried to reverse the fortunes of EastEnders by bringing back everyone's favourite unconvincing East End hardmen, Phil and Grant Mitchell. So how will Phil and Graaarnt be making EastEnders slightly less unwatchable from now on?

....


1) Phil and Grant to feature in 264,767,312th storyline involving the ownership of the Queen Vic.


2) Grant persuades Phil to engage in some incredibly vague criminal activity involving a sawn-off shotgun in a sports bag, but no apparent criminal act. Phil and Grant have a stand-off with a ruthless gangland boss who is never seen committing any act of violence and who is in awe of Peggy, for no readily apparent reason. After a politically correct team of police (senior officer: female; detective: black; police constable: wheelchair user) turn up in Albert Square, Grant mysteriously disappears again - just as the next series of ITV's Ultimate Force goes into production.


3) Steve McFadden suggests sexy new 'dogging' storyline in which Phil and Grant roast Pauline Fowler in a National Trust car park, while Minty watches, masturbating like a shaven yeti.


4) Phil resumes his personal vendetta against Ian Beale, the reasons for which are long forgotten not only by the viewing public, but also the scriptwriters who came up with the story in the first place.


5) As with all EastEnders characters, Phil and Grant's behaviour is dictated by sensationalist plot requirements rather than logic or characterisation. Thus Phil becomes an Islamic suicide bomber while Grant embarks on a necrophiliac relationship with the corpse of Dirty Den.



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