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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... Yob Festivities

7 November 2005

This year's Halloween night demonstrated an increasingly common contemporary phenomenon: a rise in yob behaviour precipitated by traditional festivities. Police reported an increase in yob incidents on 31 October, including a man being attacked by youths and subsequently needing reconstructive surgery for a broken jaw, cheekbone and eye socket. So if the march of the yobs continues, what can we expect our festivities to be like in the near future?


1) The Crazy Frog and Westlife are kept off the 2005 Christmas number one spot by 'I Saw Mummy Glassing Santa Claus'.

2) A new Guy Fawkes night public safety film warns people never to return to a lighted firework - you could suffer a nasty beating from the father of the child you've just blinded with it.

3) 23 April is made a bank holiday, to celebrate the time St George saw a dragon looking at his wench in Ye Olde Yates' Wine Lodge and, with a few of his mates, gave the fire-breathing cunt a good kicking at chucking out time. Noble St George then finally slew the fearsome dragon by dropping a ripped-up paving slab on its head while it was lying unconscious.

4) Animal-loving yobs make sure that pets don't feel left out at Christmas. After you've slapped your girlfriend and kids around following a 14-hour drinking session, it becomes customary to drop-kick your new puppy or kitten against a wall.

5) The Department of Health reminds revellers that New Year's Eve is a busy time for A&E departments. Drinkers are advised that if they are going to smash a bottle over someone's head then kick their teeth in, they should do it early in the evening to take some of the pressure off the emergency services.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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