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Home > Culture and Society

Vincent Gallo: Super Seed

25 November 2005

Vincent Gallo has been having something of a spring clean. The merchandise pages of the Hollywood renaissance man's website are suddenly replete with all manner of once-in-a-lifetime Gallorabilia, ranging from autographed magazines on which he is the cover star to a painting by 'the multitalented Charles Manson'. Plus of course, for the princely sum of a million dollars, you can also avail yourself of a shot of Gallo's sperm. For a half a million more, he'll even inseminate you himself. Unless he finds you attractive. In which case he'll hump you for free. But you still pay for the sperm. Wow. You've really got to admire the man's balls.

Gallo has been rather quiet since the savaging of his last film, 'The Brown Bunny'. Many critics thought it the most self-indulgent film they had ever seen, an achingly slow paean to Gallo himself, rounded off with Chloe Sevigny giving him oral pleasure. Roger Ebert gave it a thumbs down, declaring it the worst film in Cannes history. Gallo responded by calling Ebert 'a fat pig with the physique of a slave trader'. That's Vincent Gallo for you. He genuinely refuses to believe that he isn't a major deity. Hence the high price of his sperm.

But it's not just his ego that distinguishes Gallo from other mortals. His politics are also a little off the wall. This is the picture which accompanies his sperm ad.

It's kind of freaky. But then Vincent is a freaky kind of guy. Discussing the potential qualities of any child sired with his seed, he writes: 'If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt.'

A lot of people dislike Vincent Gallo, and it isn't difficult to see why. But it's perhaps important to remember that he doesn't really mean at least of half of what he says. Probably. The following, for instance. He can't possibly mean this. (Mr Gallo enjoys speaking of himself in the third person by the way. It's a sign of self-respect).

'Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.'

Nah, he doesn't mean it. He's just showing off.

If you're not impressed by his casual racism and Nixon-worship, you probably won't be stumping up for his seed. Neither will you be particularly interested in his Childhood Nixon Campaign Pin, 'in a box that is titled 'Hero' autographed by Gallo on the inside top cover alongside "Go Richard."' But do check out his Manson picture. It's awesome.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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