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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... Christmas Shopping

18 December 2005

As is traditional at this time of year, Marks & Spencer carried out its usual pre-Christmas publicity stunt. The store is employing 'stocking fellas' - male shop assistants who will help and advise men buying lingerie for their partners. The giveaway is that the 'stocking fellas' will only be present in 'key stores', i.e. 'We had to create a couple of them so we could send out a press release and a picture of a model in a Per Una bra.'

Nonetheless, it reminded us of the waking nightmare that is Christmas shopping, and in its usual generous spirit TFT decided to offer some present buying tips...


* If you know someone with a cat, why not get them something to do with cats? They won't be expecting that!

* If you know someone who loved Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, they're bound to enjoy The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

* A bathroom set consisting of a bath mat, a toilet seat cover and a little mat that goes round the base of the toilet is useful in any bathroom. Or you could just stop pissing on the floor.

* Little girls are sure to love the latest hip, street-cred Bratz dolls: Crack Ho Jo, Gymslip Mum Gina and Motley Crew Groupie Marianne (features completely bendable knees).

* The Star Wars special edition of Monopoly is a cost-effective substitute for Battle Front II. Just don't expect your children to express love or affection toward you ever again.

* Give your kids a head start in life with an educational present. Why not try an 85,000 Eton College voucher, enabling them to be educated for five years with dim-bulb Royals, the sons of African dictators and braying hoorays called James who provoke in ordinary people an overwhelming urge to stab them in the head with a screwdriver.

* If you know a keen golfer, why not get them a copy of Mein Kampf?

* A giant box of Thornton's chocolates makes a perfect gift for lonely, single comfort eaters.

* Instead of a basque and suspenders set, why not be a bit more adventurous? Get your loved one a vulcanised rubber gimp mask with inflatable gag, a flogging frame and an anal speculum.

* If your partner is self-employed and works from home, a 'home office' shed for the garden might conceivably give them the peace and quiet and extra motivation they need to actually earn a living income and prevent your home being repossessed.

* Chocolate Santas will introduce your little ones to the rudiments of cannibalism.

* A Morphy Richards Turbosteam iron with illuminated temperature dial, cushioned hand grip, variable steam control and 'jet clean' facility will let the woman in your life know that things haven't REALLY changed that much since the 1950s.

* A boxed set of all seven series of 'Soldier Soldier' is available for 115. What's wrong with you people?

* A bath spa makes bath time all the more relaxing, apart from the fact that they make a sound not dissimilar to a Spitfire opening its throttle.

* An electric razor is the ideal gift for the man in your life who likes to waste 15 minutes shaving twice, once with an electric razor and then a second time with a normal razor that actually works.

* A junior drum kit is an ideal gift for children whose parents want to be led away by police on 27 December and charged with murder.

* Instead of spending a fortune on CDs and DVDs this Christmas, just visit the nearest landfill site. Hey presto! As many 45-day free trials of AOL and copies of 'The Eagle Has Landed' given away with the Daily Mail as you could wish for!

* Upmarket toiletries from Lush make an ideal gift if you just really can't be fucked.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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