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Home > Culture and Society

A Few Good Mentalists

23 April 2006

There comes a point where you really have to feel sorry for Tom Cruise. Sure he believes that we're all operating thetans who have existed for tens of trillions of years; sure he believes that some of our past traumas have been deliberately implanted into our bodies by extraterrestrial dictatorships such as Helatrobus; sure he believes that the alien tyrant Xenu brought billions of people to Earth and blew them up with hydrogen bombs 75 million years ago, and that the souls of these dead people still cling to the living, including his baby daughter Suri, whose placenta he threatened to eat just the other day... sorry, what were we saying?

Oh, yes, you really do have to feel for him. Not only is he madder than an army of hungry hungry hillbillies, but also, every single day he has to put up with people he's never met writing the most terrible lies about him. He's gay, they say. His relationship with Katie Holmes is a sham, they say. He's so desperately addicted to media exposure and the adoration of white bread America that he has denied his glaring homosexuality all of his life, donning a series of Grade A beards and then finally paying one of them a fortune to pretend she's in love with him, and even have a child she's prepared to claim is his - all for PR, all for cash. When his people approached Scarlett Johansson before Katie, they say, she turned him down.

Ultimately it's difficult to know where Cruise the media-made madman ends and Cruise the real-life blithering loon begins. All we can really know for sure is that whenever he jumps up and down in public, he looks genuinely mad, and whenever he opens his mouth to speak in public, he sounds genuinely mad. But anything else - anything that doesn't come direct from the horse's ass of his mouth, we really must take with a pinch of salt.

All this silent birth malarkey for example. Are we really dumb enough to believe that? Sure L Ron Hubbard wrote that no words should be spoken during childbirth, and sure there were pictures in the tabloids of big 'SHUSH' signs allegedly being delivered to Cruise's home, but only last week in Now Magazine (or was it New Magazine?), some Scientology bigwig claimed that the whole thing was nonsense. 'Get real,' he said. And Cruise himself on a TV interview last week said that Katie could make as 'make as much noise' as she liked. This was the same interview incidentally, in which he expressed a desire to devour his daughter's birthing sac. Usually of course, if anyone eats the birthing sac, it's the mother. But that's not to say there's any reason the father shouldn't have a peck at it too. Of course, what they should have done was donate the placenta to the homeless.

Ultimately, whatever the true extent of Cruise's dementia, we pity him. Also, whatever the true extent of Holmes' emotional involvement with Cruise and his 'religion', we pity her too. But it is for tiny little Suri that we must reserve the lion's share of pity. For it is Suri - perhaps already irreversibly damaged by Cruise's continual amateurish prodding at her foetus with his ultrasound machine - who must grow up surrounded by powerful crazies telling her insane stories about Xenu and his Galactic Conspiracy. What we really need is some Free Suri merchandise.

Oh, here it is.


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