2001-2008
Home
Main
- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... The Water Shortage

19 May 2006

We're facing water shortages this summer, apparently. Here at TFT we couldn't help but wonder: why don't we just build some more fucking reservoirs? There's plenty of space in the UK (what's Camden actually *for*, anyway?), and it would be worth the cost just to avoid having to listen to the same media scare stories every year. But this is too simple, apparently, so how should we cope with water shortages? TFT advises...

....


1) Since the water is going to run out anyway, enjoy it while it lasts. Have a big glass of cool, refreshing water. Water your lawn. Run the taps for a bit just to hear the calming splish-splash of running water. Seal up your living room, flood it and use a washing-up bowl to take your cat on a delightful 'boating holiday'.

2) Save water by not flushing your toilet every time you use it. (NB. You may wish to use your discretion on 'number twos'.)

3) Although the water shortages are not expected until the summer, it's never too soon to start making preparations. Start referring to yourself as Muad'Dib and begin assembling a vast army of crysknife-wielding Fremen warriors in water-retaining 'stillsuits', who ride into battle on giant sandworms, like in 'Dune' by Frank Herbert. Let your neighbours try and push in front of you at the standpipe then!

4) If you've got a particularly stupid friend, tell them that it's going to become compulsory to drink your own urine - and other people's. You might want add that if you refuse, the army has been authorised to shoot you on the spot. Now watch them tell all their stupid friends and sit back, proud in the knowledge that you've started a viral epidemic of piss-drinking stupidity.

5) If you're a child of the 1970s, don't regard the water shortage as a hassle; instead view it as another charming retro-trip down memory lane to 1976, when the streets were paved with ladybirds, Kiki Dee was riding high in the charts and total fulfilment could be attained for just 7p by buying a watery Calypso 'fruit' drink in a flimsy plastic carton. Fandabidozi!



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free


 ABOUT THE FRIDAY THING
Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

READERS WRITE
"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved