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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... The Water Shortage

19 May 2006

We're facing water shortages this summer, apparently. Here at TFT we couldn't help but wonder: why don't we just build some more fucking reservoirs? There's plenty of space in the UK (what's Camden actually *for*, anyway?), and it would be worth the cost just to avoid having to listen to the same media scare stories every year. But this is too simple, apparently, so how should we cope with water shortages? TFT advises...


1) Since the water is going to run out anyway, enjoy it while it lasts. Have a big glass of cool, refreshing water. Water your lawn. Run the taps for a bit just to hear the calming splish-splash of running water. Seal up your living room, flood it and use a washing-up bowl to take your cat on a delightful 'boating holiday'.

2) Save water by not flushing your toilet every time you use it. (NB. You may wish to use your discretion on 'number twos'.)

3) Although the water shortages are not expected until the summer, it's never too soon to start making preparations. Start referring to yourself as Muad'Dib and begin assembling a vast army of crysknife-wielding Fremen warriors in water-retaining 'stillsuits', who ride into battle on giant sandworms, like in 'Dune' by Frank Herbert. Let your neighbours try and push in front of you at the standpipe then!

4) If you've got a particularly stupid friend, tell them that it's going to become compulsory to drink your own urine - and other people's. You might want add that if you refuse, the army has been authorised to shoot you on the spot. Now watch them tell all their stupid friends and sit back, proud in the knowledge that you've started a viral epidemic of piss-drinking stupidity.

5) If you're a child of the 1970s, don't regard the water shortage as a hassle; instead view it as another charming retro-trip down memory lane to 1976, when the streets were paved with ladybirds, Kiki Dee was riding high in the charts and total fulfilment could be attained for just 7p by buying a watery Calypso 'fruit' drink in a flimsy plastic carton. Fandabidozi!

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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