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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF... PRegnancy

3 June 2006

Rejoice! Melissa Parker is due to give birth next week. Despair. The woman is an idiot. Melissa is due to give birth next Tuesday. The sixth. The sixth of June, 2006. Aargh! Six! Six! 2006 minus 2000... can it be? It is! Six! The Number of the Beast! Naturally, she is distraught. She told The Sun: 'When I got my due date I thought, "Oh God, I'm giving birth to Damien from The Omen"... I'm terrified the birth will go wrong or the child will have evil in him or her. Even worse my beautiful baby could be the devil himself - the anti-Christ.' Melissa is said to have had a similar episode 18 months ago, just before the birth of her first child on 25 December. But despite the fact that little Christchild is a perfectly ordinary baby girl, Melissa seems not to have learned her lesson. She is currently hassling doctors to induce the baby or at least keep it jammed in there till the seventh. Meanwhile, the father of the child, a Mr A Crowley, 130, was unavailable for comment.

There is always the distinctly darker possibility of course that Melissa Parker is merely acting the goat for the adman's groat. We wouldn't be at all surprised if the PR people for the abortion-in-waiting that is the remake of 'The Omen' sought out a bunch of pregnant women and bought one of them off for their nefarious promotional activity. 'I like "The Omen",', Melissa added, her soul hurtling away from her body in a Hollywood handcart, 'and I saw an advert for the remake. Now I'm even more worried.' So are we, Melissa. Satan is everywhere.

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