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Home > Culture and Society

Kate Crimes

16 June 2006

Good old Kate Moss. Good old strangely apposite symbol of spunky Britishness and bulldog spirit, not unlike Jordan in many ways, but with human breasts and a terribly sore nose. There were sighs (or perhaps snorts) of relief in her camp this week as it was announced she would not be facing drug charges. After her camera-phone-snapped coke-snaffling fubar last year, journalists and commentators queued around the block far into the night to add their crowing two cents, and point out that the model's career was as over as combat trousers.

Naturally everyone else knew better. There's nothing like an injection of controversy to put the sparkle back in a career, at least if it's something 'safe' like drugs (as opposed to, say, child molestation, backstage webcam wankage or extra-marital homosexual shenanigans in bushes following an outbreak of baldness). Controversy of this ilk leads inevitably to opportunity for public redemption, which is a gift to any workaday famous person. So Kate, who probably didn't have that much of an actual drug *problem*, duly toddled off to rehab, emerged looking more or less the same (having hardly been a bulging-nosed, red-eyed, open-sored wreck on the way in) and was on the cover of everything for a solid month. That's drugs for you. Just say no.

Sir Ian Blair, whose name should perhaps now be prefaced by the words 'the beleagured' as a matter of course, had done some huffing about taking into account the implications of charging Moss or otherwise. He insisted that the decision would take into account the influence it may have on impressionable youngsters. The primary lesson most canny young 'uns will have taken from the sorry messette is likely to be 'don't let people film you snorting coke on their cameraphones if you're quite famous'. A good one to file away for the future, then.

Blair will be keen to claw back some public respect in the wake of the Forest Gate disaster, and the slippery, scot-free Moss may be an ideal whipping-Twiglet. But what to pin on the lissom Croydon girlie?

...


1) Moss is escaping charges due to the impossibility of proving what precisely she was putting up her nose that evening. Surely for starters a charge of wasting police time would stick, followed swiftly by accusations of ingesting, say, drain cleaner (a newly and hastily classified Class A1+ drug).

2) It might have been powdered chalk. Thus - theft and misuse of precious school resources. Not to mention the senseless slaughter of God knows how many important poems.

3) Reckless endangerment of children's health by looking so goodbin tiny skirts that they feel compelled to go on the new pea-casing-and-broccoli-stem diet.

4) Reckless endangerment of men's health by looking so good in tiny skirts that they are 42% more likely to lose control of their bicycles and smash straight through a sheet of plate glass or a crockery market.

5) Fashion crimes, including but not limited to those wellies at Glastonbury 2005, and the unauthorised appropriation of junkie boyfriend's stupid hat.



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