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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide... To The Power of The Tabloids

24 June 2006

This week the government was accused of basing policy on the reaction from the tabloids, something it hotly denied, although it's obvious that New Labour is so keen to appease the tabloids that Rebekah Wade may as well sit in on cabinet meetings with a big rubber stamp. So we need to remain vigilant, our eyes peeled for signs that the government has been bowing to pressure from the tabloids, signs such as these...


1) The Home Office introduces 'Littlejohn's Law', whereby paedophiles are not merely named and shamed but have a flashing neon sign saying 'NONCE' surgically implanted in their heads, before being hunted down with dogs, then hung, drawn and quartered, then shot and gassed, before finally blowing up their corpses with explosives to make sure they're definitely dead. Accusations that this is merely pandering to Sun readers are hotly denied by the new Home Secretary, Michelle Marsh.

2) Tony Blair announces that the government's number one priority must be setting up a Select Committee on Cocaine Kate's Drug Shame Hell.

3) The government sets up The Department of Whatever the Fuck Chantelle is Doing Today, an entire ministry devoted to keeping the public up to date on the non-events of Ms Houghton's sorry existence.

4) In keeping with Page 3 policy, the government outlaws breast implants, enabling the male population of the UK to finally sleep easy at night, safe in the knowledge that the tits they've been ogling all day were completely natural.

5) The government announces plans to build a giant time machine, with the aim of transporting the entire country back to 1944, when the Germans were getting a good dose of British saturation bombing, and all these immigrants weren't sponging off the welfare state because it hadn't been invented yet, and packs of
feral children weren't roaming the streets raping pensioners then getting sentenced to a free holiday at taxpayers' expense by some liberal judge, and there wasn't all this 'politically correct' nonsense which practically makes it illegal *not* to be a poof or a paedophile these days. (More details at www.dailymail.co.uk.)

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