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Home > Culture and Society

Falling Out of the Ugly Tree

7 July 2006

Last week some sensible individual arrived gasping to cries of 'about time, fool' to announce something brilliantly obvious - fruit that is aesthetically substandard is to be made available to buy. Good old Waitrose, the Netto of the chattering classes, is going to give a leg-up to lumpen, grotesque, vaguely inbred-looking fruit and flog it at a cheaper price. This is a happy thing but also a deeply annoying one, because there's really no excuse for just one supermarket, this late in the history of the pernicious ultra-shop, to only just be implementing this now. Still, an example will be set, and before too long the mighty Tesco will be grudgingly peddling puckered pears out the wazoo.

It goes without saying that we should all be given the option to buy buggered-up bananas, even ones whose curves are a positive one finger to EU regulations. We've been restricted by supermarkets' rather sinister and frankly dull and uniform selection policies, by which imperfect yet eminently edible produce simply isn't made available. But, you're going to *eat* it. It's going to become mush in your innards. It really doesn't need to look beautiful, whatever Anthony Worrall-bloody-Thompson says. Besides, beauty resides in the quirky little imperfections, the unique pocks and bends and sticky-out bits. We relish the prospect of people rediscovering the strange joys of choosing from ranks of alien potatoes, tomatoes like the end of Leo McKern's nose and shocking plums that you'd have to save to throw at no less a fuckstick than Ben Elton. Now is the time for fruitto mercilessly ming. It's a very healthy attitude all round and we salute its big-arsed dawn. Not that we have any problem with outright, splendid, head-turning, gobsmacking skin-deep gorgeousness. We just don't really need it in a nectarine.

Along with the we're-really-not-kidding Dove 'Campaign for Real Beauty' which is going from strength to shapely strength, this small move seems to suggest a society finally turning away from the bright lights of Keira Knightley's clavicle and embracing its plainer members. But what does this mean for the future, as
homely becomes the new hot?

....


1) John Prescott enjoys a lucrative autumnal career as Julien Macdonald's muse.

2) Ugg boots make another comeback. Feet protest, and although they are now afforded higher status than hands as extremities of loveliness, no one really listens.

3) Salmon sales plummet as customers demand 'them mad fish with pointy teeth from really deep water'. Beef from pretty-eyed cows and lamb from cute baby sheep are both eschewed as naked mole rat meat comes into its own.

4) The Millennium Dome is found to be Britain's Most Beautiful Structure in a national survey, and loser St Paul's Cathedral is pulverised by retro-style wrecking balls in a live TV special, presented by an unpowdered Natasha Kaplinsky with a fag in her gob.

5) Kate Moss cuts off all her hair. That doesn't work. She puts on Ugg boots. That doesn't work either. In a last-ditch attempt to save her career she behaves like a dreadful little Croydon trollop, staying out all night shagging and ingesting half of Afghanistan. Alas, she inexplicably remains beautiful and her career is toast. John Prescott gets all her work.



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