- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Culture and Society

Falling Out of the Ugly Tree

7 July 2006

Last week some sensible individual arrived gasping to cries of 'about time, fool' to announce something brilliantly obvious - fruit that is aesthetically substandard is to be made available to buy. Good old Waitrose, the Netto of the chattering classes, is going to give a leg-up to lumpen, grotesque, vaguely inbred-looking fruit and flog it at a cheaper price. This is a happy thing but also a deeply annoying one, because there's really no excuse for just one supermarket, this late in the history of the pernicious ultra-shop, to only just be implementing this now. Still, an example will be set, and before too long the mighty Tesco will be grudgingly peddling puckered pears out the wazoo.

It goes without saying that we should all be given the option to buy buggered-up bananas, even ones whose curves are a positive one finger to EU regulations. We've been restricted by supermarkets' rather sinister and frankly dull and uniform selection policies, by which imperfect yet eminently edible produce simply isn't made available. But, you're going to *eat* it. It's going to become mush in your innards. It really doesn't need to look beautiful, whatever Anthony Worrall-bloody-Thompson says. Besides, beauty resides in the quirky little imperfections, the unique pocks and bends and sticky-out bits. We relish the prospect of people rediscovering the strange joys of choosing from ranks of alien potatoes, tomatoes like the end of Leo McKern's nose and shocking plums that you'd have to save to throw at no less a fuckstick than Ben Elton. Now is the time for fruitto mercilessly ming. It's a very healthy attitude all round and we salute its big-arsed dawn. Not that we have any problem with outright, splendid, head-turning, gobsmacking skin-deep gorgeousness. We just don't really need it in a nectarine.

Along with the we're-really-not-kidding Dove 'Campaign for Real Beauty' which is going from strength to shapely strength, this small move seems to suggest a society finally turning away from the bright lights of Keira Knightley's clavicle and embracing its plainer members. But what does this mean for the future, as
homely becomes the new hot?


1) John Prescott enjoys a lucrative autumnal career as Julien Macdonald's muse.

2) Ugg boots make another comeback. Feet protest, and although they are now afforded higher status than hands as extremities of loveliness, no one really listens.

3) Salmon sales plummet as customers demand 'them mad fish with pointy teeth from really deep water'. Beef from pretty-eyed cows and lamb from cute baby sheep are both eschewed as naked mole rat meat comes into its own.

4) The Millennium Dome is found to be Britain's Most Beautiful Structure in a national survey, and loser St Paul's Cathedral is pulverised by retro-style wrecking balls in a live TV special, presented by an unpowdered Natasha Kaplinsky with a fag in her gob.

5) Kate Moss cuts off all her hair. That doesn't work. She puts on Ugg boots. That doesn't work either. In a last-ditch attempt to save her career she behaves like a dreadful little Croydon trollop, staying out all night shagging and ingesting half of Afghanistan. Alas, she inexplicably remains beautiful and her career is toast. John Prescott gets all her work.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved