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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF... Diana

15 July 2006

Poor old Diana. They just won't let her decompose in peace. This week however, it isn't the Daily Express dancing around her grave - well, not primarily - it's The Sun with their wonderfully tasteful headline, 'I BEDDED DIANA'. This of course is the story of Sebastian Rich who spent most of 1986 following Diana around for the ITV documentary 'In Public, In Private'. Now the award-winning cameraman is writing his memoirs, a 358-page autobiography which will feature around five pages on his two-and-a-half-minute knee-trembler with the People's Princess. Apparently Rich was canoodling with one of Diana's courtiers, and Diana - who was going through hell with Charles and bulimia and failed suicides - got jealous and demanded a piece of the action. The slut.

Thankfully, according to 'Rich's friend', Rich 'is not planning to say where or when it happened or reveal details like the colour of her underwear because he thinks it will hurt too many people'. Whereas of course the bare fact of fucking her, probably up the shitter against a toilet wall, will hurt no one. On the other hand of course, there are those who suggest that without these details, why should Seb Rich be believed? After all, any Tom, Dick or, dare we say it, Harry, could wriggle up out of the woodwork and claim to have had a pop at the Princess of Tarts. Indeed, if Rich is allowed to get away with this outrageous claim, we predict an 'I'm Sparticus' style uprising of one-time Diana acquaintances. We won't be able to open a paper for more cries of '*I* fucked Diana, and so did my wife'.

Whilst clearly revelling in the sordidity of all this posthumous prurience, The Sun is keen at the same time to rubbish Rich and his icon-sullying claims. This they do by throwing in the word 'sick' once in a while and by grabbing quotes from still-loyal former aides, such as Di's ex-bodyguard Ken Wharf. 'There is no way she would have behaved like this,' barks Wharf. 'It begs the question what proof does he have?' Oh, Ken. What a foolish thing to say. It's tantamount to giving the green light to a horrifically graphic description of Diana's most intimate secrets - labial birth-scars, food play, anal peccadilloes and who knows what other depraved sexual idiosyncrasies. So. What we really need to do at this stage is just grow up a little and learn not to give a damn what this woman we never knew, and never met, and probably wouldn't care two figs for if we had, did when she wasn't snorting coke with Michael Barrymore.

Finally, we feel we should really mention that, coincidentally enough, we at TFT did actually enjoy a sexual dalliance with the perennially knickerless Diana. All of us. At once. In the spring of '87 it was. She wasn't that bad actually, for a thick bird. Tongue like an epileptic woodpecker. Toot-toot like a baby seal.

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