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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF... Picturing Pooves in the Park

31 July 2006

Generally speaking, there is nothing certain homosexuals like more than to go to a secluded place in the dead of night, preferably in or at least close to a public toilet, and have frenetic dirty sex with a perfect stranger. If perfection isn't readily at hand however, a pot-bellied van driver will often suffice. Conversely, there is nothing certain tabloid snappers like more than to loiter outside those same places of public convenience and train their sordid gaze on the exit of said homosexuals - if, that is, said homosexuals happen to be wearing the magical cloak of celebrity. Then, completing the unholy trinity, there are certain tabloid hacks who like nothing more than to moralise over said celebrity pooves and their perfectly ordinary sexual practices. Enter News of the World correspondent for the moral highground, Neville Thurlbeck.

Chief reporter Thurlbeck this week told the story of George Michael's latest alleged fall from grace with all the impartiality of a grand inquisitor. Describing various aspects of Michael's sexy if skanky tryst in the bushes on Hampstead Heath as 'sick', 'squalid', 'grimy', 'grubby', 'gross and dishevelled', 'wild-eyed and trembling' and 'totally illegal', Thurlbeck, it becomes clear, hates pooves. 'The pair kissed and groped each other,' he types, 'before going even further.'

There is little description however, beyond 'fondling and mutual pleasuring', of what 'further' actually entailed. This is of course because the News of the World is a family newspaper and homosexuality is *disgusting*. Conversely, when ex-lover Irvaan softly massages Big Brother Imogen's fantastic boobs and then pleasures her for hours with a sex toy on page two of the paper's TV Special, that's fine and dandy, quite a different kettle of porn and very much in the public interest. Unlike gays, in whom the public have no interest whatsoever. (Lipstick clam-lappers aside. Obviously.) Which is a shame, as a bit of sex talk would have livened up Thurlbeck's tawdry prose no end... 'I didn't recognise him immediately,' Norman the pot-bellied builder told NOTW investigators. 'In fact it was just as he took his pulsing manhood from my mouth and I looked up into his face that - Wham! - it suddenly hit me.'

Christ, Thurlbeck. Shouldn't you be out chasing paedophiles?

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