- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... Putting the 'Cool' in 'School'

4 August 2006

This week, in a speech to the Professional Association of Teachers' conference in Oxford, Essex teacher Simon Smith called for an end to pupils being called 'clever'. The word, apparently, is uncool and makes pupils less likely to want to achieve, lest they receive a good kicking from their classmates. Simon Smith however, is an idiot. All the banning of the word 'clever' will achieve is to turn it into even more of an insult than it already is. What we need to do here is to bring 'cool' into the classroom where it belongs. So how could that be best achieved?


1) In order to reduce the cachet of sporting success at the expense of academic acheivement, pupils to be sent on work experience that actually reflects their future prospects. The captain of the schools sports team therefore, is forced to spend a week working at a call centre, returning home each night to seven kids and a CCJ while the kid who's top of the French class spends his work experience week on a golf course, being fellated between holes by his PA, Monique.

2) Biology classes to skip over the boring six of the seven characteristics of living things and get straight to the fucking.

3) Success in Applied Maths to be rewarded with crystal meth. Success in English Literature to be rewarded with Crystal Meth. Success in Physics to be rewarded with Crystal meth. Kids love Crystal Meth.

4) Old marking system to be replaced with new, cooler phrases like "sE mE" and "mst trI hRdr". Really bad pupils will simply be tagged "totalfuckingmoron" on Flickr.

5) Morning assembly to be rebranded 'GodSpace'. School uniform to be replaced with T-shirts declaring 'Satan is not my friend'.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved