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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... Putting the 'Cool' in 'School'

4 August 2006

This week, in a speech to the Professional Association of Teachers' conference in Oxford, Essex teacher Simon Smith called for an end to pupils being called 'clever'. The word, apparently, is uncool and makes pupils less likely to want to achieve, lest they receive a good kicking from their classmates. Simon Smith however, is an idiot. All the banning of the word 'clever' will achieve is to turn it into even more of an insult than it already is. What we need to do here is to bring 'cool' into the classroom where it belongs. So how could that be best achieved?

....

1) In order to reduce the cachet of sporting success at the expense of academic acheivement, pupils to be sent on work experience that actually reflects their future prospects. The captain of the schools sports team therefore, is forced to spend a week working at a call centre, returning home each night to seven kids and a CCJ while the kid who's top of the French class spends his work experience week on a golf course, being fellated between holes by his PA, Monique.

2) Biology classes to skip over the boring six of the seven characteristics of living things and get straight to the fucking.

3) Success in Applied Maths to be rewarded with crystal meth. Success in English Literature to be rewarded with Crystal Meth. Success in Physics to be rewarded with Crystal meth. Kids love Crystal Meth.

4) Old marking system to be replaced with new, cooler phrases like "sE mE" and "mst trI hRdr". Really bad pupils will simply be tagged "totalfuckingmoron" on Flickr.

5) Morning assembly to be rebranded 'GodSpace'. School uniform to be replaced with T-shirts declaring 'Satan is not my friend'.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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