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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide to... Airport Security

18 August 2006

After the plot to attack transatlantic flights was uncovered last week, airlines have been busy stepping up their security. So if you're about to jet off to the Seychelles, or oblivion, depending on who else is on the plane, what sort of security measures can you expect? TFT explains...

....

1) Hand luggage restricted to whatever you can fit up your rectum. Passengers regret taking hardback edition of 'The Da Vinci Code' for in-flight reading.

2) No receptacles containing fluids to be allowed onto aircraft. Except of course for highly flammable duty-free sambuca in glass bottles that make excellent stabbing and bludgeoning weapons.

3) Policy of bringing personal items in a clear plastic bag is extended. Passengers are now expected to turn up at check-in wearing clear plastic clothes. No terror attacks are prevented, but Iggy Pop welcomes the move, saying at last he can fly 'without feeling so self-conscious'.

4) All passengers to be reminded of the need to be vigilant about terrorism by replacing all in-flight films with a perpetual loop of the hijacked airliners smashing into the World Trade Centre.

5) At JFK airport, all non-US passengers to be transferred immediately to either Guantanamo Bay or a Middle Eastern torture chamber of their choice.



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