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Home > Culture and Society

Sting Wars II: Revenge of the Shit

17 September 2006

Lots of people really liked the late Steve Irwin, with his chubby-cheeked enthusiasm for sitting on prehistoric reptiles. Inevitably, some of those people kind of missed the point of his work a bit, as well as the salient points about his death. These are the ones who have apparently started perpetrating 'revenge attacks' on stingrays in Queensland, where Irwin last week crikey'd his last. Ten of the rather lovely flappy fish have washed up on beaches with their tails cut off - see, that'll learn 'em to act upon instinct to defend themselves when feeling
a bit Irwinated.

The galloping moronicism of this makes the whole 'let's go and throw paint at a paediatrician's house' line of reasoning seem like something Archimedes came up with in the bath. It takes a really remarkable kind of cretin to imbue a fish, even one at the 'high end' of aquatic intellectual capacity like the ray (they can count to three, and understand up to 80% of the jokes on 'The Friday Night Project'), with the ability to plot and execute a murder. Although of course the ray-clobberers don't actually bother doing that, preferring instead to merely perform the simplest equation in their blithering, barbecued brains:

Media saturation plus ironic sense of natural justice divided by boredom multiplied by Australian 'straight-talking' attitude equals... STINGRAY HOLOCAUST!!

Sadly, this sort of buggered logic is more prevalent than we'd like to think. While throwing shit at Kilroy, eggs at Kelly and pie at Clarkson are entirely logical little acts of dissent, lopping the stings off blameless stingrays is more the level people tend to operate at. It's a cruel and staggeringly stupid world. But what spectacularly irrational revenge attacks can we expect to read about in the head-shaking tabloid of our choice tomorrow?


1) Daily Express readers suspected of mass snappings-off of white Fiat wing mirrors.

2) Mourners of Rod Hull are blamed for a huge suspicious fire at a roof-tile warehouse. Meanwhile, a mysterious rash of belt thefts are traced to a group of INXS fans, who confess to throwing the fatal accessories into the sea to the sound of 'Never Tear Us Apart' on a portable tape recorder.

3) The central London shopkeeper who inadvertently sold 7/7 bus bomber Hasib Hussain a battery reports three separate incidents in which some idiot scattered all his magazines everywhere and trod on his chocolate.

4) B&Q staff are shocked by a number of attacks on defenceless baths with sledgehammers by long-haired middle-aged men brandishing volumes of Jim Morrison's poetry.

5) Following reports of the court case of the men accused of plotting to blow up a nightclub with fertiliser bombs, angry clubbers storm farms and do quite unspeakable things to cows.

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