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Home > Culture and Society

WAWIBF... Crimes Against Nature

27 October 2006

There can be few people in the world to have had a more humiliating, depressing time of it of late than the girlfriend of 44-year-old Michigan man, Ronald Kuch. First of all, her beloved black Labrador dog went missing. She didn't find out until four or five days later that he'd actually been hit by a car and was lying dead on a road in front of a nearby day centre. Her boyfriend Ronald found the dog. He must have been very fond of the dog too, for he felt compelled there and then to grieve for the dog in the only way he knew how. He got down on his knees and took the dog in his arms. No doubt with tears stinging his cheeks, he then undid his trousers and pulled aside his pants, took out his engorged phallus and entered Lucky, proceeding to pleasure him vigorously, perhaps in the vain hope that he could hump the dead dog back to life. (We're assuming the dog's name was Lucky. Life's like that.)

Sadly, Ronald's attempt to resuscitate a cherished pet was misinterpreted by the residents of the day care centre who gazed on, aghast. On being approached by a local Animal Control Officer, Ronald was forced to cut short Lucky's treatment, push the officer to one side and scamper off. He was apprehended a short time later cowering in his girlfriend's attic.

Ronald's girlfriend must be very disappointed. That's not really the kind of behaviour you want from your partner. If Mr Darcy found your dog dead in the street, fucking it would most probably be the furthest thing from his mind. But Ronald Kuch ain't no Mr Darcy. On November 6th Kuch will appear in court. In Michigan the charge of crimes against nature carries a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison. Which, we have to say, seems a lot. The dog *was* dead. Bestial necrophilia has got to be better than bestial rape. Not as bad, rather. Not good obviously. But 15 years? Oy.

Moral: Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't fuck 'em.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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