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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Big Celebrity Racists

19 January 2007

Another triumph for Channel 4 this week as 'Celebrity Big Brother' became one of the most complained-about programmes in its history, guaranteeing massive ratings and pissing on Tony Harrison's 'V' in the controversy stakes. In the unlikely event that you missed the story, Jade Goody and other housemates were accused of racism after violent arguments with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. The ugly scenes and quasi-racist comments prompted TFT to offer some advice to those involved in the controversy...


1) If you're a minor celebrity, use 'Celebrity Big Brother' as an opportunity to win new fans. Do this by behaving like the sort of mental chav bird who glasses complete strangers in nightclubs after 25 Smirnoff Ices.

2) And you might want to appear even more likeable by screaming at an attractive, polite and articulate woman during an unfathomable argument about Oxo cubes.

3) If, like housemate Jo, you have a limited understanding of other cultures, do take the opportunity of meeting an Indian woman to ask questions about their country, e.g., 'Are Indian people thin because they don't cook food properly?' While you're at it, you might want to find out whether all black people are criminals, if 'Oriental' women have crooked vaginas, and whether all Jews have great big noses and run gangs of child pickpockets.

4) If you're in charge of a deliberately controversial and 'edgy' TV channel, justify broadcasting the racist rambles of a group of imbeciles by claiming you've exposed the latent racism of British society. Take this idea to its logical conclusion with an unedited, hour-long nightly show in which members of Combat 18 expound their racial theories and broadcast the home addresses and phone numbers of members of The Anti Nazi League.

5) And if you're a government minister, a humble MP or just an ordinary Indian citizen with a bit too much time on your hands, be sure to immediately overreact to some fuckwits on a reality TV show as though it's the Cuban Missile Crisis. Who knows, you might even get on TV!

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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