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Home > Culture and Society

The TFT Guide To... Sex Myths

16 February 2007

This week a survey by the Family Planning Association discovered a worrying lack of knowledge about sex among adults, with a third believing douching, urinating or vigorous exercise would prevent pregnancy. The latter is a particularly strange notion because it suggests that a sizeable minority of fuckwits has unprotected sex, then, instead of a post-coital cuddle or a fag, go out for a game of squash. But what other myths about sex need to be dispelled? TFT obliges...


1) When performing an agonisingly rough hand job, the contorted expression on your boyfriend's face is *not* one of sexual ecstasy.

2) Contrary to the view promulgated by 'gonzo' porn made by the likes of 'Ben Dover' (real name Randy Spunkhole), approaching random 'MILFs' in the street/supermarket/their suburban homes will *not* lead to sex, unless by some incredible coincidence they also happen to be professional porn actresses who will fuck for money. (A tiny clue that they might be porn actresses is the fact that 'bored housewives' are invariably plastered with tattoos and have large plastic tits.)

3) As humorously pointed out in the French & Saunders sketch, individual sperm do *not* look like fish that shoot out of a man's penis and flap about. They actually look like Woody Allen.

4) Contrary to the received wisdom of the ancient joke, the perfect man does *not* turn into a pizza after sex. In a little-reported case from Venezuela in 1974, Pablo Cortez, 22, a young doctor with a promising career ahead of him, did indeed turn into a pizza on his wedding night as a result of suffering from a
rare, undiagnosed medical condition called Hypo-allergenic Vaginismus Fiorentina Syndrome, in which sufferers have an allergic reaction to vaginal fluid that alters their genetic structure, causing their body to mutate into a dough-like disc and their internal organs to extrude and atrophy, roughly resembling anchovies and olives. After seeing the man she loved turn into a hideous freak of nature, Cortez's young bride was left psychologically traumatised and spent the rest of her life in mental institutions. So think on that, ladies.

5) Fruit-flavoured condoms do *not* constitute one of your five recommended daily portions of fruit and vegetables. (Nor does semen have anti-ageing properties similar to face cream, whatever your boyfriend might claim.)

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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